Karin Quirk

NEGOTIATION, MEDIATION, ARBITRATION AND OTHER FORMS OF ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION FOR DIVORCE

2011-05-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

Negotiation, mediation, arbitration, settlement conference are terms sometimes used interchangeably by the lay public. They actually are quite distinguished from each other and have a different interpretation. Here is a guide to these terms as generally accepted in the legal community.

In most jurisdictions, including Washington State, before a couple can have a trial before a judge in a divorce matter they are required to participate in Alternative Dispute Resolution. (ADR) There are many forms of ADR and the approach can be quite different. There is no right and wrong, rather it is more a matter of what is appropriate given the issues to be resolved, the personality of the parties, and even the preferences of the attorneys. I view all of these forms on a continuum of formality and aggressiveness. Here are some general explanation of terms:

Negotiation

Negotiation can be very informal as a husband and wife discussing issues at the kitchen table to a formal meeting with attorneys. There is no intermediary and the parties are working to find an acceptable resolution. Negotiation requires some mutual respect and trustworthiness and both parties should be negotiating in good faith. Obviously, negotiation is the most cost effective alternative.

Mediation

Neutral Mediator

There are several forms of mediation. Often in divorce, parties will seek the assistance of a mediator to help them resolve outstanding issues. A mediator is neutral and will not offer an opinion or legal advice. The mediator is trained in drawing parties out to find acceptable solutions. Once the parties motivating factors are discovered it is often possible to find a resolution that will meet both parties needs. For example, one party may be more interested in retirement assets and is willing to give in on sharing home equity. While the mediator is neutral, she may help tip the balance of power for the person in the weaker bargaining position or the less sophisticated party.

Directed Mediation

Sometimes as a case gets more contentious, the parties will work with a more directed mediator. I distinguish this type of mediation by calling it a settlement conference. The mediator is typically a retired judge of a senior family law attorney with years of experience. The mediator is more apt to offer opinion and attempt to persuade a party toward a particular resolution. The mediator's goal is to get the parties to an agreement and avoid further litigation which can be contentious and expensive.

The parties' attorneys will most likely write a brief or "settlement letter" and offer evidence to support her client's position. The mediator is not a judge but since she will be offering an opinion as to the best settlement posture, it is important that the mediator be well informed as to each of the parties' positions.

Settlement conferences are more costly than simple interest based mediation because there is often extensive preparation but is certainly less costly than a trial before a judge.

Arbitration

If the parties cannot reach a settlement through negotiation or mediation, they may opt for arbitration. In this format, the parties and or their attorneys present their best argument and evidence and the arbitrator makes a decision. Often the parties have agreed to make the decision binding, meaning the arbitrator's ruling will determine the final outcome and the parties agree to abide by the decision. There generally is no appeal from a binding arbitration ruling.

Sometimes if the parties were unable to come to terms through mediation, they will let the mediator become an arbitrator and make a ruling. There is some controversy behind this and the pros and cons for the particular case must be considered.

Binding arbitration results in a much faster decision than one would get at trial, the evidence is presented in a more informal manner and the parties do not have to wait several months for a trial date. Arbitration will generally cost less than a full court trial.

This is a very brief overview of the various forms of Alternative Dispute Resolution and is designed to merely distinguish some of the terms often used. The best approach should be determined in a discussion with legal counsel. I generally start with the most informal, less costly negotiation possible and proceed up the continuum all in the interest of giving my client the most control over the outcome.

I'm happy to offer a brief consultation for your consideration. I also offer a legal coaching program to help parties wishing to represent themselves.

WASHINGTON STATE DIVORCE: BEGINNING THE CASE AND FILING A PETITION

2011-04-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

The most frequent comment I hear from clients is “I’ve never done this before”. This is true and probably they will only do it once. Some people do extensive research and have a lot of knowledge but don’t know how to put it together and some of my clients are complete strangers to the process. My job is to be a guide to the novice and to those who have extensive knowledge. Here is a basic run through of beginning the legal process in Washington State. Keep in mind this is general information only and your case may be different. Also each county is slightly different. Most of this information is true of every county but where there is a significant difference I will point it out.

The process begins with the filing of a Petition of Dissolution of Marriage, (or domestic partnership). This gets you a case number and starts the process. It is not necessary to have all the details of the divorce worked out before filing the petition. Typically the Petition will have a Petitioner and a Respondent. If the parties are in agreement about the divorce, they may file a Joinder, meaning the other party joins in the petition. In a cooperative divorce, my colleagues and I have developed a Co-Petition as less adversarial. This is a bit of an end run we so far have been able to accomplish as attorneys. Here I would have to say “Don’t try this at home” as it is not yet recognizable by the courts.

If both parties have signed the petition there is no need for a Summons or Service of Process. Otherwise one must file a Summons and have “proper service”. Service can be accomplished by the party acknowledging receipt or being served by a process server. Sometimes the other party’s attorney will “accept service”. You cannot serve the other party yourself. Two important things to note here: One, there really is no reason to avoid service. It won’t stop the divorce ultimately and you could be charged with the costs of a process server and even extra attorney fees. Second thing to note, the ninety day waiting period begins when the other person has been served or acknowledges receipt.

The on line forms seem onerous and I see people spend weeks, even months gathering information. This is not necessary. The Petition can be very generic. (There is an exception here that is too complex for this article and falls under the cautions below.) Most issues are “to be determined”. Even the date of separation is not necessary. It is acceptable to say “the parties are not separated” or even “to be determined later”. The date of separation has some important legal significance and if you don’t know what they are, you don’t want to lock yourself into the wrong date.

Now that a Petition has been filed, it is public record, available for everyone to see. This includes potential mortgage lenders. This is why sometimes when working with couples, I recommend waiting to file a petition if there is a possibility of obtaining a new mortgage or refinancing an existing mortgage to remove one of the party’s names.

There is a minimum 90 day waiting period in Washington State before a divorce can be final. However nothing happens on the 91^st day. It is up to you to prepare and present final papers to the court. I can’t begin to tell you the problems that have been caused by people that thought their divorce would be final in 90 days and did nothing else. You must prepare a Decree of Dissolution and have it signed by a judge.

Once the Petition has been filed, the couple can start working out the details of their divorce. This includes Property Settlement, Child Support, Parenting Plan and perhaps, Spousal Maintenance. While some couples move very swiftly, most people take longer than 90 days to work out these details.

This is the procedure for beginning the Divorce process in Washington State. I will address how to complete the divorce in a future article.

Special considerations that really require the help of an attorney: Spouse lives in another state, don’t know where the spouse lives or the children and spouse live in another state.

If you are trying to file your own divorce, I am available for "legal coaching" and can help get you started. Of course, I also can do it all for you for a flat fee. Let's talk.

DIVORCE STORIES -- WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO YOUR LAWYER

2011-04-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

The Story About the Contractor, or The Man Who Came to Dinner and Stayed to Remodel the House

The lessons learned from this story: Listen to your lawyer about the value of your case; just because you married the owner, it does not become community property and don’t remodel a house that isn't yours.

Dave loved to remodel houses. He loved high quality materials and foraged construction sites and surplus stores for sinks, unusual woods, windows and other tools of his trade. He had always loved remodeling houses. He remodeled a rather ordinary three bedroom rambler in a run down neighborhood turning it into a House Beautiful in the midst of Hot Rod Haven. They told him he could not sell it for an amount that would cover his costs even though he had done all the work himself and got most materials at bargain prices. He has, as they say, overbuilt for the neighborhood. Dave never got to find out what his house was worth as he lost that house in his first divorce.

After the divorce Dave continued to work odd jobs, Mostly what we call under the table. Cash or checks cashed at the issuing bank. Money that IRS and ex wives wouldn’t find. Dave’s reputation for quality work was impeccable although things didn’t get done on time and he usually forgot to keep financial records. Nonetheless, Dave had plenty of work.

Nadine was recently divorced and wanted to remodel her kitchen. She met Dave through friends. She paid him $20,000 and he did a craftsman like job with which she was pleased. He started hanging around the house more and more and soon they became romantically involved. Soon Dave moved in with Nadine. Dave started some more projects on the house. A sun room would be nice. One with large bay windows of the highest quality and the most energy efficient. The back deck was demolished in preparation for a project some day. Dave asked Nadine if his adult son could move in with them. Dave turned the garage into a separate bedroom with private bath. He found modern fixtures and even some marble countertops. He had enough marble left to refinish the laundry room. The only house in the neighborhood with marble counters in the laundry room. New wainscoting in the downstairs family room and a new fireplace mantle would be nice. Somewhere along the way, Dave and Nadine got married.

Dave and Nadine fell out of love. Or rather Nadine fell out of love with Dave and asked him to move out. Dave couch surfed for a while and his son went back to live with his mother. Dave had a great personality and always could find friends who could provide bed and board in return for some nice carpentry.

Come now the divorce lawyers. Nadine was in no mood for a cooperative divorce. In her mind, there was nothing to cooperate about. It was a short term marriage, they did not have children and, in her opinion, there was no property to divide. They had never comingled their finances or obtained joint bank accounts or credit cards. Nothing to it. Or so she thought.

Dave demanded his “community property” share of the house. Dave had the mistaken notion that because they were married in a community property state the house became community and he wanted Nadine to buy out his share of the equity, at that time about $100,000. Dave was on his third lawyer and he finally recognized that the house remained Nadine’s separate property. However, he was determined to get reimbursed for his expense and effort at remodeling the house.

As I said, Dave did have a disarming charm and I agreed to represent him in negotiating a reasonable settlement. It would be “unjust enrichment” for Nadine to reap the benefit of Dave’s remodeling work without any compensation. Dave had already spent more than fifteen thousand dollars on his previous attorneys and I thought I could resolve the case easily in a few weeks.

Dave had no records of his out of pocket expenditures and, of course, no records or even reasonable calculations as to the number of hours he spent. In his mind, however, he felt entitled to $125,000 reimbursement. Nadine believed he was entitled to nothing and even had some notion that Dave owed her rent for the time he and his son lived in her house.

I often cite the statistic that 95% cases do not go to trial. This was the exception. Despite my best efforts, the case did go to trial. Both Nadine and Dave were determined to spend whatever they needed to in order to be right. Mediation and two fairly amicable lawyers could not convince them otherwise. Each just knew the judge would decide they were right.

Any guess as to the outcome of the trial?

Dave believed he should be compensated for the actual cost for time and materials for the remodel. A legal principle law provides that if Nadine paid nothing she would be unjustly enriched. The law also provides that Dave could only be compensated for the amount he had increased the value of the house.

Nadine’s real estate appraiser testified that Dave had actually decreased the value of the house because the bedroom replaced the garage and a house without a garage was worth less than one with. Also the unfinished deck diminished the value. Nadine’s appraiser had never testified as an expert witness and he contradicted himself several times. Our appraiser had spent hours and countless cases testifying as an expert. His pictures, analysis and testimony convinced the judge that Dave’s work, which was of unquestionable quality made the house worth $60,000 more than if had not been remodeled. Even without a garage. Sound good doesn’t it? Well, remember, Nadine had paid Dave for the kitchen remodel before they were married. That took the value Dave had increased the value of the home by only $50,000. Dave wasn’t happy with that but was willing to settle for $50,000.

But wait, there’s more. Dave performed the work while they were married and his time, skill and effort as well as the money spent on materials was all community property.

Result: Dave was entitled to $25,000 reimbursement from Nadine.

Moral of the story? Listen to your lawyer about the value of you case, Mediation usually costs less and gets better results, and don’t remodel a house that isn't yours.

Grandparents, Do You Know Your Rights?

2011-03-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

Being a grandparent is a great blessing among my peers. We all celebrate the birth of new grandchildren and happily share pictures of what we know to be the cutest, brightest and sweetest children in the world. This is universal. When I traveled to China I carried a picture of my grandson. Wherever I went I could attract a friendly crowd by showing his picture. Somehow through pointing and sign language we could establish the grandmother bond. I bet we could make greater strides toward world peace and understanding if our diplomats and heads of state shared grandchildren pictures.

It saddens me greatly when I am asked by a grandparent to help him/her establish visitation with grandchildren when the grandparents are estranged from the child’s parents. It saddens me first of all that the relationship is such that the grandparents feel the need to enforce rights and it saddens me because there is little by way of law to help.

In 2000 the United States Supreme Court ruled against grandparents who wanted visitation with their two young granddaughters. The girls’ father had committed suicide and mother refused to let the children see their dad’s parents. In this Washington State case, the high court determined that unless the parent was impaired in some way, the parent was the ultimate decision maker as to the best interests of the child. Jennifer and Gary Troxel had no inherent rights of visitation.

Since then a few state courts have modified the Washington State ruling but primarily in the case of the death of one of the parents. This 2006 article in USA today summarizes some more recent cases. http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/judicial/2006-09-12-grandparents-favored_x.htm The issue apparently has not been addressed circumstances where the parents divorced.

When parents divorce, the grandparents’ rights flow through their son or daughter. When mom or dad has parental time with the children, he/she can include the grandparents. The other parent cannot object to the children seeing their grandparents unless it can be proven that being around the grandparents would be harmful to the children. The grandparents have no independent right to visitation. To better understand this issue, it is important to view it from the parents’ perspective. Parents contend that they should have the ultimate say over who gets to see their children.

Richard Victor, a Michigan lawyer who founded the nationwide Grandparents Rights Organization in 1984, says he has not seen a surge of grandparents trying to go to court. Such lawsuits can take years and tens of thousands of dollars in fees to resolve, he says. "The law in still in flux. It's better to get people to talk to each other, rather than sue each other."

The best advice I can give to grandparents is to get along with the grandchildren’s parents.

Don’t Want to Hire a Lawyer for your Divorce? How About a “Legal Coach”?

2011-03-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

Consulting with a lawyer can be a huge step for some people when they are contemplating divorce. Seeing a lawyer makes it far too real. Seeing a need, I developed a program for those who don't want to hire a lawyer. At least not yet. Do you identify with any of the following?

Harriet is unhappy in her marriage but has a lot of fear about what the future would look like for her. Her therapist suggested she get some legal advice.

Larry has been researching on line for months now regarding divorce. He has found forms that are confusing, legal advice that doesn’t seem to apply to his case, he even found a child support calculator but it doesn’t seem to fit his case. Larry does not want to hire a lawyer

Martha and her husband have been working with a divorce mediator but she feels she has not been given enough legal advice and wants to know what would be legitimate requests to make without having to involve another lawyer.

Tom is a whiz and investments and finances but neither his CPA or investment advisor can give him satisfactory answers to tax implications of divorce. His financial advisor told him to get legal advice.

Bob is president of his company and is worried about the effect of a divorce on his business. Before he makes a decision, he needs to know what he can expect and how can he determine how his business will be evaluated.

Sally and her husband have fashioned a settlement agreement but her friends and relatives are warning her that she may be missing something. Sally doesn’t want to involve a lawyer but her friends are insisting she talk to one.

Don really wants to move out of the house for a “trial separation” but fears he will be accused of abandonment and will lose his rights to property or parenting. His coworkers have advised him to talk to a lawyer first.

Mary needs some legal advice but feels hiring a divorce lawyer is just too big a step. Besides all the ones she has talked to seem to be trying to sell her their services. She wants objective advice.

In my ever evolving effort to find ways to help people going through or contemplating divorce I experiment with different programs I can offer. A solution for Harriet, Larry and the others just might be a package I call “Legal Coaching”.

For a flat fee I offer a legal coaching session dedicated to the individuals needs. I can explain the legal process, show a client what the forms look like and give them a timeline. I can run child support calculations, discuss support and parenting issues. I give an unbiased assessment of their situation. The fee is about equivalent to my hourly rate but I don’t turn on a timer. Most sessions run from one to one and a half hours, sometimes longer. We take as long as we need for that session. During the session I might even refer the person to a different lawyer that I think would be more appropriate for their situation.

In an earlier day I would be known for my golden rolodex. Now it’s an electronic database. I have given referrals for parenting specialists, divorce financial planners, real estate agents and mortgage brokers. I have pointed people in the right direction for career advice, personal growth and even professional organizers. My network even includes a collision repair specialist but that’s a different story.

The benefit to legal coaching is that the advice is completely unbiased. I can assess a client’s case honestly without concern whether that person may not hire me if I tell them what they don’t want to hear. The client’s have paid for the time and don’t have to worry that they are wasting my time because they do not plan to hire me. A client can come back for more coaching at anytime – completely on his/her timeline. The coaching fee can also be applied to payment for full representation. Kind of rent before you buy.

A legal coaching session is different than the introductory session a client might want before making a hiring decision. That meeting is more a matter of seeing if our personalities fit and, given the facts of the case, if I am the right lawyer for them and they are the right client for me. Legal coaching is much more in depth.

So far I have had several people take advantage of the legal coaching model and I see it evolving further as a very viable product for some people. I will continue to develop more products and most likely add some hand outs. My clients will be my best teachers as I develop this concept.

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT DIVORCE, CHILD CUSTODY AND COMMUNITY PROPERTY IN WASHINGTON STATE

2011-03-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

Here are some random Friday musings about some of the misconceptions I often hear. No particular order or importance just as I thought about them. As always, this is informational only and not intended as legal advice for your particular situation. Always confer with an attorney before taking any action regarding these issues.

My Spouse won’t give me a divorce

You don’t need your spouse’s permission or agreement. Washington is a “no fault state” and the only grounds for divorce (technically called “dissolution of marriage”) are “The marriage is irrevocably broken”. If one person believes this is true, then the marriage will be dissolved. The person seeking to dissolve the marriage first files a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. If the spouse refuses to sign anything and there is proper service meeting specific legal specifications the divorce can be completed by default. Even if you don’t know where your spouse is, you can still accomplish legal service with a court order for mail or publication in a legal newspaper.

While the divorce can be accomplished without the other person’s cooperation, you still may have issues regarding children or division of property. If you are very clear on you petition as to what you are requesting and your spouse does not respond, then your request will be granted.

A divorce by default is probably only appropriate if there are no children, real estate and very little property.

My spouse and I agreed to 50-50 custody so no one will be paying child support

I hear this constantly and it is simply not true. Custody is now called a “parenting plan” and the parenting plan determines where the children are on a day to day basis. Child support is a separate issue and is based upon the Washington State Support Schedule. While there may be some adjustment for residential time, child support is mostly based on the parents respective income.

Washington is a community property state so if we get married everything will be community property

Only property acquired during the marriage is community. This means that if you owned a house or business before you married it does not automatically become community property when you get married. What gets tricky is that your income during the marriage is community and if you put that money into the business or property, the community has an interest. Gets tricky here doesn’t it? Gift or inheritance also is separate. A common problem I see is when parents give a gift to the couple. Was it a gift only to their offspring or was it to the couple? Depends who you ask. At the time of the wedding, everyone may think it is to the couple but if the marriage is dissolved, they parents may claim the gift was to their son or daughter only.

Community property is one of the most difficult subjects in law school and even professionals differ over this issue. Don’t be surprised if you and your spouse have a different opinion. And don’t be surprised when your lawyer answers your question with “that depends”.

Community property means everything is divided 50-50

My clients are shocked when they learn this is not true in Washington. The operating word in Washington State is “equitable”. Is it safe to say that divorcing couples rarely agree on what is equitable? Some folks actually believe property should be divided by who contributed the most toward purchase. They couldn’t be more wrong. Equitable is based upon the relative position of the parties, the length of the marriage, the earning capacity of each and many other factors. In a long term traditional marriage it is not unusual for the stay at home spouse to receive 55 to 60 percent of the community assets and sometimes more.

Every case is different and, as they say “these results are not typical”. By the way, don’t think this just applies to stay-at-home moms. I have had several cases where the higher earning spouse was the wife. Once again, the lawyer answer: “It depends”. If you really want to know, here is the specific law:

“the Court shall, without regard to marital misconduct, make such disposition of the property and liabilities of the parties, either community or separate, as shall appear just and equitable after considering all relevant factors, including but not limited to:
1. The nature and extent of the community property
2. The nature and extent of the separate property
3. The duration of the marriage, and
4. The economic circumstances of each spouse at the time the division of the property is to become effective, including the desirability of awarding the family home or the right to live therein for reasonable periods to a spouse with whom the children reside the majority of the time." (Revised Code Of Washington 26.09.080)

Often "just and equitable" will mean a greater than 50% to a spouse who has forgone a career and does not have the ability to build retirement assets. The other surprise to some people is that separate property is taken into consideration when making this distribution. Not that it is divided but it does affect the relative economic circumstances of the parties.

My name is not on title to the house/car/boat etc. therefore it is not community.

See numbers 3 and 4 above. Only one name on the title doesn’t necessarily mean it is not community.

I worked hard all these years for my pension so it is mine. Or, I built this business myself without any help from my spouse, therefore it is all mine.

See number 3 and 4 above. I often tell my clients “I don’t care if your spouse sat on the couch and ate bon bons all day, your business/ pension is community property.

When my child turns 14 (or 12, or 16, or name an age) he/she can decide which parent to live with.

The age when a child can decide which parent to live with is the age of majority in Washington, Not only is there not an age when a minor can choose which parent to live with, most parenting specialists would not approve of putting a child in such a position.

If I move out of the house, it will be considered “abandonment” and I will lose my house and custody of my children.

No. While most divorce attorneys would advise making some arrangements for parenting time with the children before moving, you will not lose your rights because you moved out. Moving out does not affect ownership of the property. I really urge folks to get a consultation before they move but moving is not "abandonment" as it is in some states.

Disclaimer: These answers are intended for Washington State residents. The laws of every state are different and these answers may not apply in another state.

EXPERT HELP CRAFTING A PARENTING PLAN

2011-03-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

Today's guest expert, Margit Crane, offers advice to parents crafting a parenting plan.

You can find Margit Crane at http://margitcrane.com

Preparing to Craft a Parenting Plan

You’re getting divorced. Your kids are shaken and you are a jumble of emotions. It is in this confusion and drama that you will be asked to craft a parenting plan. No small feat, to be sure. Hopefully, these fail-proof tips will guide your decisions:

1. Be consistent. This isn’t about you and your ex. This is about your kids. Forget about convenience. Divorce isn’t convenient. If you want your kids to thrive despite this upheaval, you need to be willing to be uncomfortable for their sake. What does this mean?

a. DO keep a consistent weekly schedule. It’s harder to do as a single parent but important to your child’s sense of security and well-being.

b. DO keep a consistent daily schedule. Again, children who know what to expect feel safer and more confident, and are able to form stronger bonds with parents and friends.

c. DON’T bring new people into your time together or into your home until you are in a committed long-term relationship. If you end the relationship, you’re not the only one to suffer and your kids learn that relationships are fleeting and people are heartbreakers.

2. Be an adult. Your child is not your confidant/e and is not responsible for your emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial well-being. You be the parent and let your kid be the kid.

a. Be responsible for co-creating and upholding your behavioral expectations and consequences.

b. Expect the behavior you’ve outlined and follow-through on the consequences, even if it’s painful for you to do. If you say one thing and do another, your kids will learn that the world - and, most particularly, YOU – is not trustworthy.

c. Get help if you need it. If your car broke down, you wouldn’t leave it on the side of the road and forget about it. That won’t repair your car. Ignoring a problem won’t repair your family either. Consult a doctor, therapist, or family coach if you are struggling.

3. Be light and polite always. This should be the rule in everyone’s house, divorced or not. And these behaviors apply to both kids and adults:

a. No name-calling, taunting, or teasing

b. No put-downs

c. Say “please” “thank you” “you’re welcome” “excuse me”

d. Don’t yell, nag, or lecture

e. Listen when someone is speaking to you.

f. Don’t use an insulting or disrespectful tone of voice when speaking to each other.

Remember: If you’re trying to convince someone to see things your way, you’re not having a conversation; you’re having a power struggle. Those don’t work.

Margit Crane, M.S., M.Ed., is passionately devoted to making growing up much easier for ADD/ADHD kids, discombobulated teens, and the stressed-out parents who love them! “You don’t have to sit around waiting for this latest ‘phase’ to pass,” she says encouragingly. With Margit, clients enjoy more confidence, smoother communication, fewer conflicts, closer relationships, and increased academic success, all while having a lot more FUN!

You can find Margit Crane at http://margitcrane.com

Finding a Job After Taking Time Out For Kids -- I got the job! Career Services, Jill Walser Tells You How

2011-03-07T12:20:00.001-08:00

Reentering the workplace after taking time off to raise children
can be a challenge. Sometimes the return is voluntary but it can be even more traumatic when it wasn't your choice. This is a situation both men and women can find themselves in. Here's help from Jill Walser of I got the job! Career Services http://www.igotthejob.us

Returning to Work after Having Children

Few job seekers face higher hurdles than at-home parents trying to return to work do. Much has changed in the past 5-10 years – job boards and keyword scanning software are probably completely new concepts, and much has stayed the same – networking is still the way most people find opportunities. With tenacity, a willingness to learn, and solid marketing tools, parents can be back in the swing again soon.

Do what you love. Some parents left thriving careers to raise their children, while others had kids earlier in life. In either case, this is the perfect opportunity to find a career that makes your heart beat a little faster. Returning to school for a degree or certificate will assure your future employer that you have the training to do the job while demonstrating your interest in that field of work. If you loved what you were doing before, it may be more appealing to pick up where you left off.

Don’t apologize for the gap in employment. Just because your decision to raise your children created a difficult return to the workforce, it doesn't mean it wasn’t the right decision. Your experience with kids might even make you more qualified for certain roles than someone without them. If you were in marketing before having children, for example, consider a marketing role where the focus is on appealing to parents. Some employers, particularly those in the sales industry, will see your break as a good thing. They may want to train you on their way of doing things and will value your fresh perspective.

Employ a pro. Consider hiring a professional resume writer to keyword optimize your resume while giving voice to your accomplishments. For most people, figuring out all of the components of a truly great resume is not a good return on your investment of time. It is much better to spend your time networking and learning, no one can do that for you.

Give yourself credit for having life experience and maturity. In many companies, hiring managers would rather choose someone known to be sane and stable than take a chance on a “fresh” grad. Your task is to figure out how that maturity would benefit the employer and then help them see it.

Consider networking with parents who have already done what you want to do. Ask them how they did it, talk about what they like about their jobs and what surprises they encountered after resuming their careers. Also, check out networking groups that are industry related; the professional associations section of www.iloveseattle.org is a good place to look or do an Internet search. Be an interested and helpful networker; seek out ways to be a resource to those in your network.

Not ready to return to work yet? Consider volunteering to keep your skills sharp. Plan an event for the pet shelter, fix the local non-profit’s network, or put the church bake sale on Facebook. Companies value community service and you will have relevant experience to put on your resume.

Parents who are smarter about preparing to return to work have a much easier time of it. By networking, sharpening your skills and updating your presentation (resume, interview skills and appearance), you will have an advantage over your competition.

Jill Walser

http://www.igotthejob.us

http://www.linkedin.com/in/jillwalser - LinkedIn
http://biznik.com/members/jill-walser - Biznik

http://igotthejob.blogspot.com/ - Blog

http://twitter.com/igotthejob - Twitter

THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE ON A BUSINESS

2011-03-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

From the desk of the divorce lawyer

THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE ON A BUSINESS

Karin Quirk, Attorney at law, Kirkland, Washington

While ultimately a personal matter, divorce affects business in time, money, and lost productivity. An employee going through an emotionally troubling time may be less productive, miss work and may involve other employees in the drama. Many business also are concerned about revealing private or sensitive information.

When the business owner is the person involved in the divorce process the consequences on the business can be even more dramatic, if not devastating. If the business owner is distracted, the business suffers. The legal discovery process can be as distressing as a tax audit with even greater economic consequences. A small business may also be destroyed by the need to liquidate assets to affect the community property division.

It is in a business owner’s interest to know a divorce attorney sensitive to the affect of divorce on business. An attorney who explores alternatives to the adversarial process and works with the parties on reasonable resolution that allows them to get on with their lives with the least emotional trauma and economic loss.

Divorce happens to roughly half of all married couples and often occurs after ten, twenty or more years of marriage. Many family law attorneys are developing new ways of diffusing the acrimony and trauma of the traditional adversarial process. Gaining popularity across the United States is the concept of collaborative divorce.

Collaborative Law – the new paradigm

In this process, each side is represented by his/her own advocate. The parties and their attorneys agree that they will not engage in the traditional “divorce war” which is the litigated divorce. The lawyers are committed to full disclosure of all assets and to providing advocacy for their clients while maintaining civility with each other.

The “team” may include ancillary professionals: An accountant or actuary may be needed to determine a value of a business or a pension plan; parents may seek guidance from a child mental health professional in developing the parenting plan; and counselors may become involved to improve the communication process. The parties may even choose career counseling for a previously non-employed spouse.

Save time, money, emotional trauma and preserve your privacy

Statistics show that collaborative divorces cost at least one-third less and are completed in a much shorter time than the traditional litigated divorce. The emotional trauma is managed in a compassionate way. The collaborative model encourages parents to put the needs of their children first.

When parents are involved in acrimonious custody battles, not only do the children suffer, but the parties often go to court year after year trying to modify the original plan, often spending hundreds of dollars. In collaborative law the parents provide a method for adjusting the plan for changes in circumstances, thus reducing emotional trauma as well as costs.

Perhaps the most appealing aspect of the collaborative divorce to business persons is the privacy this model provides. The financials and all the negotiations remain private. No public record is created which provides embarrassing or misleading details. The final agreement remains private.

It is possible to avoid the divorce wars: www.divorceforgrownups.net

__________________________________________________________________

Karin Quirk is a family law attorney trained in divorce mediation and collaborative law. For more information see www.divorceforgrownups.net Contact Karin at Karin@karinquirk.com or call 425 289 0293 for a complimentary confidential consultation.

Note: This article was written in September 2006 and first published in Eastside Business Journal. Thank you Joe Kennedy for giving me my start as a commentator on collaborative divorce.

Parenting Specialist Margit Crane Offers Advice to Divorcing Parents

2011-03-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

Guest Blogger today is Margit Crane:Margit Crane, M.S., M.Ed., is passionately devoted to making growing up much easier for ADD/ADHD kids, discombobulated teens, and the stressed-out parents who love them! “You don’t have to sit around waiting for this latest ‘phase’ to pass,” she says encouragingly. With Margit, clients enjoy more confidence, smoother communication, fewer conflicts, closer relationships, and increased academic success, all while having a lot more FUN!

You can find Margit Crane at http://margitcrane.com

How to Talk to Your Kids When Your Ex is a Jerk

I’m sitting in my office with newly 16, Marley, and her mom. Marley begins to cry because her father – again – put off her birthday celebration. She has been 16 for two weeks and he hasn’t celebrated with her yet. Mom says, “I’m sorry your father is such a jerk. I wish there was something I could do to change him.”

I’ve never met Marley’s dad but I’ve been coaching with Marley, her sister, and their mom for 7 months and I’ve heard about him from time to time. I suggest to them that it may be fairly accurate to call him a jerk, but isn’t it too easy to do so? Maybe he’s sick, literally.

Divorce is uncomfortable and confusing in the best of situations. How much the more so when parents are picking at each other, either directly or via the kids? I know that some people are jerks but I don’t believe that that’s a helpful designation or description.

Sometimes we adults struggle with alcohol or drug abuse. Sometimes we’re depressed or suffer from debilitating anxiety. But I don’t believe that most parents willfully ignore their children or set an intention to make them suffer. My parents, for example, were quite ill and, although they did some shocking and hurtful things, I don’t think it was intentional. I think that if they could have been better parents, they would have been. And I think this is true of most parents. It is sad when a parent can’t step up to the plate for his/her own child, but there may be extenuating circumstances.

So instead of calling your ex a jerk, remind your kids that they are loved beyond belief and that sometimes fathers or mothers feel sick or are not themselves and they can’t be the kind of parent that they dream of being. You don’t need to be specific about the kind of illness. Kids know what it’s like to be sick or to feel “not themselves.”

Remember, too, that rarely is a problem one-sided. Often a conflict grows out of a long-time personality clash that was never resolved and continued to grow. Both parents can contribute to the dis-ease of a marriage and we need to check our own behavior too.

If we can’t have a civil conversation with our ex, we are both responsible. Perhaps we have been unwell as well? If so, it’s time to own that and get some help for ourselves. If we don’t, we teach our kids that we’re not responsible for our own behavior and our own choices; some jerk is.

Not a very empowering lesson, is it?

Copyright Margit Crane 2011

Dissolving a Marriage - At Mid-Life and Beyond

2011-01-17T19:21:00.001-08:00

In looking for new topics to post I have been reviewing some of my previous postings and I am finding some relevant ones worth reposting. This is from September 2009 and I have added some updates.

When I meet people and tell them that I am a divorce lawyer, I often get comments something like: “We have been married for over 20 years; I guess we will never need your services.” Or, “ We've been married so long, there’d be no point breaking up. Divorce is something the younger folks do.” Contrary to popular belief, mature couples divorce every day. Many of my clients have been married 20 to 30 years and even more. A significant amount are over 50 and I have even had clients over 70. The mid life and beyond divorce is not as unusual as one may think. As people live longer they may find that they have outgrown their marriage. One person may be ready for change and the other wants to remain the same.

Privacy and Respect are important values to mature couples.

Most couples seeking to end their marriage do want to with a minimum of rancor maintaining some dignity and respect for each other. But for the mature couple, who has witnessed friends and family turn their lives upside down both emotionally and financially through expensive litigated divorces, this is even more important. They have worked hard to build an estate and are not interested in wasting their assets on a financially draining process. A recent issue of Consumer Reports points out that one of the most expensive money mistakes a person can make is “Launching a Divorce War”. This ranks as number three in the publications list of 12 biggest money mistakes.

To avoid the divorce war, mature couples are looking for solutions preserving their privacy, dividing their assets according to their individual needs and minimization of the emotional trauma that comes from closing the door on a relationship and lifestyle that has weathered many years.

There are alternatives to litigating a divorce

The legal community has recognized the need for non-adversarial divorce, especially for couples who have been married for a longer period of time, and have accumulated a variety of assets including real estate and retirement plans. Today, a group of attorneys are now active in collaborative law, divorce mediation, cooperative divorce and some are even available to help a couple in a so-called “kitchen table” divorce where the couple does most of the negotiations themselves. An on-line search on www.respectfuldivorce.com , collaborative law sight provides many resources and several resources are also available on my web site www.divorceforgrownups.net.

I often work with a couple's financial planner or a specialist who is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) These specialists can help divide financial assets so that there is an equitable division as to tax consequences and the nature of the asset.

Divorce is a normal life transition

Although divorce is sad at any juncture in life, it is especially important for long term couples ending their marriage to put it in perspective. One of my therapist friends points out “The success or failure of a marriage should not be judged upon whether it ends or continues 'until death do us part' It might be better judged on how much growth it has afforded us as conscious human beings striving to connect intimately. There is nothing abnormal or blameworthy about divorce. It is to be expected. If we can help people to use this normal life transition to launch into new and richer living then we will be doing a far better service than trying to maintain relationships that don’t serve or brutally severing relationships that must end through litigation.”

Expert Advice Regarding Parenting and Divorce

2011-01-12T13:37:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I like to invite guest opinions. I have been following Rosdalind Sedacca for several years and find she has very sensible advice for divorcing parents.

Parental Discord – Not Divorce – Most Damages Children!

May 15th, 2010 | Author: Rosalind Sedacca

Is it divorce or parental discord that most damages children? Answers are finally coming in!

A recent article by marriage and family therapist Ruth Bettelheim has much to say on this topic that is both relevant and, quite surprising for many. That’s because she refutes common misconceptions about divorce and addresses the real issues of concern.

According to Bettelheim, “Studies conducted in the past 20 years have shown that on all meaningful measures of success — social, economic, intellectual and psychological — most adult children from divorced families are no worse off than their peers whose parents remained married.”

Researchers have found two explanations for this, notes Bettelheim. “Children who have to cope with their parents’ separation and post-divorce lives often grow resilient, self-reliant, adaptable and independent. And children benefit from escaping the high-conflict environment of a rocky marriage. After their parents’ separation, as conflicts fade, children recover.”

There is much to consider in those last two sentences. Children actually benefit from being out of high-conflict homes! In fact, studies show that it is “sustained family conflict that actually causes children to experience the kinds of problems that are usually attributed to divorce: low self-esteem, depression, high anxiety, difficulty forming relationships, delinquency and withdrawal from the world.”

Bettelheim goes on to say, “Given that reducing family conflict is good for children, the best way to protect them during divorce would be to minimize the acrimony of the proceedings.”

That is the foundation of a child-centered divorce. My supporters and I have long contended that it is not divorce per se but the way parents handle divorce that harms their children. From time to time I am contacted by emotionally charged parents who are vehemently “anti-divorce.” While they acknowledge I am well-meaning in my efforts, they point their finger at divorced parents and blame them unequivocally for destroying their children’s lives.
In reality, life is not black and white, nor are the consequences of divorce. While I certainly do not advocate divorce as a solution to marital discord, in many cases it’s a saner solution than living together in a toxic marriage.

I speak from experience when I say this because I am a child of parents who should have divorced – and didn’t. The emotional scarring I experienced is basically the same as felt by children of parents who make damaging divorce mistakes. The insecurity, lack of self-esteem, anxiety, depression, sadness, guilt and shame I carried through my childhood were the consequences of parents so caught up in their emotional drama they had little awareness of what their turmoil was creating for their children.

Divorced or not, when we make decisions that that don’t take children’s fragile psyches into account, the outcome is painful for those children!

Bettelheim makes a strong case for divorce mediation as a resource to keep parents from making destructive, vindictive decisions about custody and child support. She’s totally right. She ends her piece saying, “In an adversarial custody battle, no one wins, but children are the biggest losers of all. Intelligent legislation could promote the one thing that children of divorce need most: peace between their parents.”

The truth is, all children need and deserve peace between their parents. Let’s focus less on judgmental, self-righteous finger-pointing and more on educating all parents about harmonious, effective parenting – and we’ll all be better off!

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! Acclaimed by divorce professionals, the book provides fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a family storybook with personal photographs as an ideal way to break the news. For more details, a free ezine, articles, coaching and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Random Musings on Divorce and the Holidays

2010-12-28T11:04:00.001-08:00

Blog posts are being replaced by the short status update or, worse even the limited character Twitter feed. I think of these posts as a version of haiku with a challenge of using real words in a concentrated form that gets a message through rather than give in to the shortened R U and OMG, My extra challenge is that I write about complex emotional as well as legal issues. So here are some random musings too long for the twitter feed.

Don't post about divorce during the holidays?

Recently I wrote a short quick update aimed at a very narrow group -- people who worked for a particular company on a particular legal plan who are contemplating divorce- now. Important information to that rather small niche. However, the message went to a wider audience and it was Christmas week. I was chided for bringing up such a topic in a week of peace and love and warm fuzzies. So I contemplate: Is the topic of divorce off limits for the holidays? Is it like the story of the soldiers in World War II that stopped fighting and sang songs on Christmas Eve? Did that really happen? Is it realistic in these complicated modern times? Are the only businesses open those that sell gifts and provisions for the big feast? I think not. Does divorce take a holiday? I know from experience it does not.

Christmases Past

Like Scrooge, I find myself recalling Christmases past. Fifteen Decembers now I've had to keep the store open. Last Christmas eve eve I spent the morning in line at the Honeybaked store for the family feast and then spent an hour and a half driving to an outlying courthouse. It should have been a 30 minute drive but I had to go past a major regional shopping center to get there and traffic was snarled for miles. The Family Law Motions Calendar was full of contentious cases. My clients were fighting over the house, the car, the kids and, I think, even the family dog. It was dark and gloomy when I left the courthouse. My client and his wife still hated each other and I can't even imagine what the festivities were like for the kids being shuffled back and forth between two families. No holiday here.

December traditionally is a very busy month for me. I no longer handle contentious cases but I do find the holidays exacerbate the tensions in a marriage and the family gatherings can bring out the worst. Then there are the New Year's resolutions. The last week of the year brings people who resolve to live differently in the coming year. They want a fresh start and want to let go of a marriage that is no longer serving either party. They want to take the first step before the new year. December 1999 was particularly busy with the "millennium divorces". Folks really examined their lives and wanted to enter a new millennium free from an abusive or loveless marriage.

I try to avoid the holiday custody battles and find the best way to avoid them is to anticipate eventualities in the parenting plan to begin with. New residences, new jobs and new relationships sometimes make existing plans unworkable. Hopefully the plan offers some flexibility or, at the least, the parents can mediate with a parenting specialist. Hopefully they don't wait till the holidays to do so.

Divorce trial in December?

The worst situation a couple can find themselves is with a December trial date. These dates are automatically set when the case is filed and are ten to eleven months out. Suddenly a couple is juggling the holidays with court dates. Trial date does not necessarily mean you start that day; rather you are put in queue until there is an available courtroom and judge. There are ponderous pre-trial and discovery motions and often recesses while the judge does something else. You can't stay late because court house staff can't stay overtime. Judges usually don't have regular trial calendar on Fridays. So you can easily use up much of the month of December. Note: If you have a December trial date, continue it for a couple of months, just in case.

Does Divorce EVER take a holiday?

Does divorce ever take a holiday? I found two such times in my career. Immediately after 9/11 people found themselves clinging to relationships or reconciling. I don’t have any records to see if those relationships did ultimately survive. I do know there were a lot of 9/11 babies born the following spring/summer.

Another time I found divorce seeming to take a long vacation was at the start of the recession. People were shell shocked. Out of work and underwater on their mortgage, these couples really tried to suck it up. Some subdivided the house with one moving into the basement or dividing up the bedrooms. As I thought at the time, this only created pent up demand for my services and in a few months these people moved forward with the divorce.

Your Divorce is Unique

So there is certain unpredictability about the divorce business and yet there are certain patterns. What I do know is that each case is absolutely unique to that individual. They don’t care how many other people have been in the same situation. Theirs is one of the most important, traumatic events in their lives.

These are my random musings for this week between the peace love and joy of the holidays and the resolutions for better times in the coming year.

Who is Karin Quirk?

2010-08-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

This biography was written by someone else. She gathered information from my web site and other public documents. I guess this is a pretty good synthesis of the information.

Ms. Quirk has provided highly professional and affordable legal services since 1997. Her law office, located in Bellevue, Washington, focuses on estate planning, collaborative divorce and family law. Karin is a member of several professional organizations including, King County Collaborative Law, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Washington State Bar Association, King County Bar Association, Association for Conflict Resolution, Real Property and Estate Planning Sections of KCBA, WSBA. Ms. Quirk has received a number of awards and recognitions including,"Mediator of the Year" - Consumer Business Journal 2002, “American Jurisprudence Award: Trusts and Estates”, “American Jurisprudence Award: Federal Income Tax”, “Associate Editor” Western State University College of Law, Law Review, and most recently Ms. Quirk was named a 2010 FIVE STAR Wealth Manager^SM in Seattle magazine for scoring high in overall satisfaction. Only 7 percent of the wealth managers in the Seattle area were thus named after an independent survey of area consumers, financial service professionals and Seattle magazine subscribers that focused on criteria such as customer service, value for fee charged, knowledge/expertise, meeting of financial objectives, and more.

Is Your Divorce Too Complex to Be Cooperative?

2010-08-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been seeing print and television ads for "complex" divorces, implying that some divorces require special handling by only those certain lawyers. Sometimes folks approach me and tell me they would like to engage in a respectful, cooperative divorce but their situation is too complicated. So when might a case be too complicated for a an amicable resolution?

Surprisingly enough, a case is not more complex because there is a lot of money involved. Some of my most difficult cases are ones where there simply is not enough money to go around. Often there is a great deal of rancor or the parties are really desperate and can't seem to find a peaceful resolution. On the other hand, a couple that has substantial assets can work very well with a Certified Divorce Financial Planner (CDFA) or even their own investment advisor to work out a reasonable resolution and division of assets. So a divorce involving a lot of money need not be "complex" and certainly can be approached in a cooperative manner.

A family business can be a little more challenging. I have seen small businesses destroyed by divorce because the process was so invasive and time consuming. If a family business is involved there is even more impetus to a cooperative approach. A neutral business appraiser can be engaged to help the couple determine a reasonable value for the business and the couple can determine a way to divide assets in such a way that the business remains viable.

Some people believe (or have been led to believe) that a divorce is complex if there are children involved and the parents are not in complete agreement on a parenting plan. Again, (is there a theme here?) it is advantageous to approach a divorce with children in a cooperative manner. I often engage a mental health professional who specializes in children to help the parents determine a parenting plan that is child-centric rather than parent-centric. The children certainly will be much better off if their parents can demonstrate that they can resolve differences in a respectful manner.

The cases that are extremely challenging is if there is domestic violence or impairment by drugs or alcohol. (I mean serious impairment, not just one party drinks more than the other). While I do know of instances that have had amicable resolutions while dealing with domestic violence or mental impairment it requires a great deal of commitment on the part of the party impaired or the violent one. Unless they agree to treatment there is no opportunity for cooperation. In these cases I have a referral list of lawyers who will not make it worse and will treat their client with respect. You won't find these lawyers in a TV ad.

So there is my bias toward respectful cooperative divorce. Most likely your divorce is not too complex for this approach.

Privacy Concerns in a Divorce

2010-07-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

At one time divorce files could be “sealed” so that no one other than the parties or their attorney could look at the files. That is no longer. Divorce files are public record and available to anyone with or without a legitimate purpose according to the Freedom of Information laws. In many places the files are available on line or soon will be. The only way to keep such information from prying eyes is to not have it in the record at all. Just because you are getting a divorce does not mean you have to expose all of your private information to other’s scrutiny.

The information in a divorce file can include financial information, property settlement agreements, and worst of all, the unproven allegations one parent is making against the other. In some cases parenting evaluations, including psychological evaluations, are available to the curious. A business owner may find very private company financial information in these filings.

While filing for divorce (technically, dissolution of marriage) is a matter of public record there are ways a divorcing couple can avoid most exposé of their private information. Several forms of what I call co-operative divorce provide the means to keep all but the most basic information confidential. The parties’ property settlement agreement, while completely enforceable as a contract, is not filed with the court.

The privacy concern is probably on of the most important reasons to work with an attorney rather than on line programs or do-it-yourself divorce. The first thing I notice when do-it-yourselfers want me to review their papers is how willing they are to list all their assets, all their debt and other private information in the documents. No one tells them there is another way.

When engaged in co-operative divorce a couple keeps court filings to the minimum required to obtain a final decree. The settlement terms, financial disclosure and other concerns remain private. If there is a parenting recommendation by an evaluator or counselor, that information remains confidential to the parties and their attorneys.

What constitutes as co-operative divorce? This can range from a couple that agrees on everything and asks an attorney to draft final documents to a mediated divorce model where the couple works with one attorney on resolving the various issues and preparing the final documents all the way to a complex situation in which both sides have attorneys but the attorneys and the parties contract to keep the matter out of court. This last model is called collaborative law.

Collaborative law is probably the most revolutionary idea for divorce since the onset of no fault divorce. Besides the privacy issues I discussed above, collaborative law costs about one-third of the traditional litigated divorce. Studies have shown that the outcomes in collaborative law are not one sided and influenced by the person with the stronger personality and more importantly, that the outcomes are resolved. Litigated divorces often are re-litigated, and continue to be modified even years later. The evidence is that the parties are more apt to keep the agreements and don’t have to go back to court. Most important of all: PRIVACY IS PRESERVED.

Thank You to My Loyal Clients and Friends!

2010-04-06T17:42:00.000-07:00

Thanks to you, I was named a 2010 FIVE STAR Wealth Manager (SM) in Seattle Magazine for “Best in Overall Satisfaction”.

Only 7 percent of the 11,000 wealth managers in the Seattle area were thus named after an independent survey of area consumers, financial service professionals and Seattle Magazine subscribers. What makes a FIVE STAR Wealth Manager? Excellent customer service, high value for fee charged, knowledge/expertise, meeting of each client’s financial objectives, and more.

I am honored to be selected for this award and appreciate your confidence in my services. Thank You for your continued support and for allowing me to help you and your family prepare for your future.

Learn more about the FIVE STAR Wealth Manager Award (pdf)

Tax Tips for Divorce

2010-03-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

This advice comes from my friends at Special Solutions: http://www.specialsolutions.org/

One more reason why you want to make sure that you include tax planning in your divorce decree and child support.

Warning! Don’t violate the Child Contingency Rule!

If any amount of alimony specified in the divorce decree is reduced (a) upon the happening of any contingency related to the child or (b) at a time that can be clearly associated with a contingency related to the child, then the amount of the reduction will be treated as child support, rather than alimony, from the start. Code Sec. 71(c)(2). Reg. §1.71-1T(c)

What is a contingency? A contingency relates to a child if it is dependent on an event relating to the child, regardless of whether the event is likely to occur. Some examples are:

- Reaches age 18, 21 or the age of majority in their state
- Gets married
- Graduates from school
- Leaves home
- Joins the military
- Gets a full-time job

Section 71 of the IRC provides two situations where payments would not qualify as alimony if they are reduced at a time clearly associated with a contingency relating to the child.

Six-month rule

The first situation occurs when the payments are to be reduced not more than six months before or after the date on which the child reaches age 18, 21 or the age of majority in their state. And this means all three ages!

Multiple reduction rule

The second situation is when there is more than one child. In this instance, if the payments are to be reduced on two or more occasions which occur not more than one year before or after each child reaches a certain age, then it is presumed that the amount of the reduction is child support. The age at which the reduction occurs must be between 18 and 24, inclusive, and must be the same for each of the children.

The following example shows what many attorneys have incorrectly advised their clients to do.

Example: Kevin and Karen are getting divorced and their son, Josh, is going to live with Karen. Kevin is going to pay Karen $3,000 per month maintenance plus child support. Kevin’s attorney says “Josh is graduating from high school in 5 years, so why don’t you pay Karen maintenance for 5 years.”

Or the attorney will say, “Since Josh is graduating in 5 years, why don’t you pay Karen maintenance of $3,000 a month for 5 years and then reduce it to $2,000 a month for an extra 3 years. Karen won’t have as great a need when Josh leaves home.”

This is creating a serious tax problem for Kevin. The IRS may consider the reduction of $1,000 a month to be child support because it coincides with a child contingency. The IRS will then go after Kevin to collect the taxes he saved by calling it maintenance and they will make it retroactive from the beginning. Five years (60 months) times $1,000 is $72,000 that he will have to pay tax recapture on!

What to Do About The Tea Pot Collection

2009-12-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

You may have a tea pot collection, or civil war memorabilia or model trains. You have a pretty good idea who would enjoy this collection and want to make sure they get it when you are gone. Should you put it in your Will? How often will you have to re-write your Will as your collections vary and you have new friends. There is a very practical solution I recommend to my clients.

You don't list these physical items in your Will but you do reference a list which you may change from time to time. Then make a list of your special item and the member of your collector group who would so enjoy it. Be sure and date the list. Then as you change you mind or your collection changes you can write a new list. Sign and date the list (no notary or witnesses needed). This way you can keep current without having to change your will or write a codicil.

This list can include anything you want including household items, clothing, or your best cookpot. Whatever you think someone else might treasure. Having this list can avert family disputes later as there will be no question as to who was to receive the button collection.

If you don't have anything special to list, then just direct your personal representative to dispose as she sees fit. Be sure to give latitude to give away as well as sell.

Any other questions?

Minor Children and No Will?

2009-12-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

If you have minor children you definitely should have a will. Parents I talk to say they've been meaning to get around to it, they can't afford it, or don't see why they need one because they have no "estate". I have added estate planning to my practice to counter these very arguments. My intention is to make it affordable and easy to take care of this important matter.

If you have life insurance, and you should, your children will have an estate.

Here are the provisions you should have in your will.

Guardian of a minor child

A guardian is the person you designate to take care of your children if both parents are dead. If a parent dies the other parent automatically is the guardian. Even if the parents are divorced the children would go with the other parent unless a court has found something seriously wrong with that parent. While you can state your preference in your will, the other parent has precedence.

The designated guardian should be someone you feel will raise your children with the same values you would. Some parents make a mutual pact with another family to serve as guardians for their children. If you don't have a will, the state will make a determination. You don't want to risk having your children with Child Protective Services until a guardian is selected.

If your chosen guardian lives far away you might want to appoint a temporary or interim guardian. This could be a neighbor or close friend who will step in immediately until the permanent guardian can be reached and is available.

The guardian of the person might not be the person who will manage the children's money. I strongly recomend a different person as the trustee of the children's estate.

Trustee of the Children's Estate

The trustee manages the funds and property you have willed to your children. This can be a large sum if you have life insurance. This is the relative who is good with managing money, a very trusted friend, or a professional trustee. The trustee will disburse funds to the guardian for the care, feeding and education of your children.

By naming a separate trustee and guardian you provide a good check and balance. The nurturing substitute parent you select may not be the best money manager and the best money manager may not be the best nurturing parent. This provides balance and protects the guardian from being questioned as to what happened to the money.

If you are divorced: It is even more important that you name a trustee. If you don't, your ex spouse will be in charge of the children's estate. Probably not what you would prefer.

A Children's Trust

Your will should provide for a trust for the children. Besides naming a trustee, you can designate an age when your children will receive the disbursement. Remember there may be a large sum of money if you have life insurance. Most parents I meet don't want the funds disbursed at age 18, which it will be unless you make other provisions. Some parents designate age 25, some 35 with provisions for partial disbursements at certain ages. The money can be spent on education, and other expenses for the children. Your trustee should have a great deal of discretion but has the power to say no, just as you do.

Get a Will Now

Hopefully I have given you enough reason to get a will. You really should work with a lawyer to make sure your will accomplishes what you intend and that it is effective. I would be happy to discuss options with you.

What is Estate Planning?

2009-12-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

In my family law practice I advise my clients to change their will. I find that many of them do not have a will. I have decided to expand my practice to include Estate Planning.

Estate planning is not financial planning but should be a part of any financial plan. Estate planning is more about "End of Life Issues". Not what most people want to think about right? A basic estate plan should include, at the very least: A will, a Health Care Directive, a Power of Attorney for Health Care and a Durable Springing Power of Attorney. You may also want a Revocable Trust, minors trust, and trusts used to reduce inheritance taxes.

I will discuss the more complex plans later. Here is an explanation of the basic:

Last Will and Testament

A will allows you to direct what will happen to your property upon your demise. Most important function is to name a Personal Representative. This person will be charged with carrying out your wishes. If you have minor children you will want to name a Guardian and a Trustee for your children. The Guardian will take care of your children physically and a Trustee takes care of the children's money or property. I usually recommend that this be two different people. You will also want to name alternates.

Contrary to popular opinion, a will does not avoid probate. Your will means you have control of the process rather than relying on state law to disburse your assets. A will is a thoughtful thing to have for the sake of your loved ones.

Health Care Directive

Also called a "living will", this directive makes your wishes known regarding the extent of life support you desire. A very personal decision, it makes it clear to your relative and doctors what your wishes are.

Power of Attorney for Healthcare

This directive names the individual you would like to make decisions about your care when you are not able. It is important to discuss this sensitive topic with your chosen representative so he/she can make your wishes known.

Durable Springing Power of Attorney

This Power of Attorney allows someone to handle your financial affairs when you are not able. Durable means it remains in effect though you are incapacitated and Springing means it does not go into effect until your are deemed by your physician to be incapacitated. You will also want to add a HIPPA release so health care providers can release information.

These are the basic minimum documents you should have for your estate plan. Yes, you can find them on line but, of course, I recommend you talk to an attorney. State laws differ and you want to make sure your documents comply with your state's laws. Sometimes one word gives a document a different meaning. If you make a mistake, it can't be corrected when your gone. You may be surprised that it isn't as expensive as you may think.

I am always available for a free consultation. (Provided you live in Washington State)

Spending Money from a Defined Contribution Plan without the 10% penalty

2009-11-18T16:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks to John James, www.specialsolutions.org

Special Solutions was founded by John James to assist families with special needs family members as they seek to provide for the future. As a Licensed Advocate for Protected Tomorrows®, John is uniquely prepared to guide families in developing a life plan for the family member.

Normally, distributions made before the participant attains age 59-1/2 are called “early distributions,” and are subject to a 10% penalty tax. The tax does not apply to early distributions upon death, disability, annuity payments for the life expectancy of the individual, or distributions made to an ex-spouse by a QDRO.

The tax Reg (72)(t)(2)(C) states that when you take money out of a qualified plan in accordance with a written divorce instrument (a QDRO), the recipient can spend any or all of it without paying the 10% penalty.

Let’s take a look at what happens when the ex-spouse receives the 401(k) asset. There are some specific rules to be aware of. Here’s an example.

Sarah was married to an airline pilot who was nearing retirement. They were both age 55. There was $640,000 in his 401(k) and the retirement plan was prepared to transfer $320,000 to her IRA.

She could transfer the money to an IRA and pay no taxes on this amount until she withdraws funds from the IRA. But Sarah’s attorney’s fees were $60,000 and she needed another $20,000 to fix her roof. She said, “I need $80,000.” Because the 401(k) withholds 20% to apply toward taxes on a withdrawal, Sarah asked for $100,000. After the 20% withholding, she had $80,000 in cash and $220,000 to transfer to her IRA. She was able to spend the $80,000 without incurring a 10% penalty on the $100,000, which saved her $10,000 in penalties.

After the money from a pension plan goes into an IRA, which is not considered a qualified plan, Sarah is held to the early withdrawal rule. If she says, “Oh I forgot, I need another $5,000 to buy a car,” it is too late. She will have to pay the 10% penalty and the taxes on that money.

It is important to understand the difference between rolling over money from a qualified plan and transferring money from a qualified plan. The Unemployment Compensation Amendment Act (UCA), which took effect in January 1993, stated that any monies taken out of a qualified plan or tax-sheltered annuity would be subject to 20% withholding. This rule does not apply to IRAs or SEPs.

In other words, if money is transferred from a qualified plan to an IRA, the check is sent directly from the qualified plan to the IRA. In a rollover, the funds are paid to the person who then remits the money to an IRA. A payment to the person, whether or not there is a rollover, is subject to the 20% withholding. Only a direct transfer avoids the withholding tax.

This is a great planning tool when clients have a need for cash and there is no other way to get it.

10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents

2009-11-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents

Courtesy of Rosalind Sedacca. Her site provides good information for divorcing parents. http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

by Cindy Harari, Esq.

Cindy Harari, Esq. is my guest contributor this week. She offers valuable information about communicating with your ex that is effective and promotes healthy parenting relationships. My thanks for Cindy for her excellent advice. Rosalind Sedacca

One of many challenges faced by divorced parents is the dilemma of communicating with their child's other parent. Although the parents have decided to divorce and end their "personal" relationship, when children are involved, the dissolution of a marriage mirrors the end of a business relationship where the business partners (the parents) have produced a product or asset (the children) that remains after the termination of the business.

Even though the parents no longer wish to continue to "work together," they share the desire for their children (the priceless marital asset) to grow and thrive. Among other things, the success of the children requires divorced parents to communicate with each other about child-focused issues. So how do divorced parents communicate effectively about their children when they are angry or upset or would simply rather not speak with their child's other parent ever again? Read on...

1. Whenever possible, communicate in writing. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and express yourself clearly. Also, in the event of a misunderstanding, everyone can go back and look at what is written. E-mails and faxes have the advantage of having a date and time embedded as well.

2. Stick to child-focused issues and keep your communication informative, not emotional.

3. Keep your communication clear. Use bullet points or numbers rather than paragraphs.

4. If an item requires a response, indicate when the response is necessary. Also state what action will be taken in the event the other parent does not respond. For example: Our son's class trip is on (date) and the cost is ($X). The permission slip is due on (date). Please let me know by (date) if this is OK with you. If I don't hear from you, I will sign the permission slip and you and I will split the cost.

5. Do not use your communication as an opportunity to re-hash your feelings about the subjects you are writing about. Remember - this is business communication about your children.

6. Divide your writing into sections such as "old business," "new business" and "FYI."

7. Respond to communication from your child's other parent as you would like to have them respond to you. Be prompt and businesslike.

8. Use e-mail (and all written communication) courteously. Do not write entirely in capital letters. Do not use boldface type. Do not use extremely large type. Do not use exclamation points. Stay away from sarcasm. No name-calling or bad language at any time.

9. Take the initiative so neither parent becomes the "communication liaison." Children's schools, day care providers, extracurricular activity providers, etc. should have contact information for both parents. Each parent should receive notices from these sources. If that is not happening, the parent who is not receiving the information can provide their contact information and get on the distribution list.

10. Look into online programs such as OurFamilyWizard and ShareKids for calendaring and communication. These programs are designed especially for divorced parents.

There is a time and a place for your emotional release regarding your divorce, but, at the same time, there is a need to conduct the business of raising your children with someone you would probably rather not talk to. So how do you find the strength to "take the high road" time after time and communicate calmly and effectively with your child's other parent?

Always remember that your child's wellbeing depends on what you do and how you do it. It takes work to compartmentalize your emotions and put the needs of your children first, but you can do it. You are not alone - there are many resources available for to help you grow through the divorce. Successful communication strategies are a great addition to your post-divorce parenting toolkit.

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Cindy Harari, Esq. is an attorney, trained parenting coordinator, mediator, and arbitrator. Her professional training combined with years of practical experience gives Ms. Harari a unique perspective and distinctive insight regarding issues of divorce and parenting. For additional information, please visit www.solutionsnottalk.com. © 2008. Cindy Harari. All Rights Reserved.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind's free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

How to Get A Divorce Without Going Broke

2009-04-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

This is very good information, especially for people in a complex divorce. You and your attorney can work as a team to keep your costs down. Ask what you can do to reduce costs. For example: You can provide copies when there are extensive records so that you don't have to pay for the attorney's staff to make copies and pay for the overhead costs for copies. If you can obtain records yourself rather than the attorney having to obtain through formal legal process you can also reduce costs. Wherever you can help us save time, you can save money. Be a partner with your attorney.

April 29, 2009 /24-7PressRelease/ -- How to Get A Divorce Without Going Broke

Article provided by Schwartz Law Firm. Please visit our Web site at http://www.schwartzlawfirmpc.com.

Divorce can be expensive. The combination of divided assets, increased individual living expenses and decreased collective income often leaves everyone involved feeling financially drained. It is possible to obtain a divorce and protect your assets without going broke.

Protecting Your Financial Interests Between The Time You File for Divorce and The Time The Divorce Is Finalized

When preparing for a divorce, many people face the same questions:
How am I going to pay my bills?
Can I stay in the house pending the divorce?
Are we going to have to sell or refinance our home?
After we decide to separate, when can I use the joint bank account?
What can I do if my spouse takes money out of our shared accounts?

An experienced family law attorney can take immediate action to protect your interests and answer your questions. An attorney can file a financial restraining order to prevent the dissipation of your shared assets and file a motion to maintain the status quo to ensure that bill payment arrangements do not change. If you want to stay in the home, an attorney can file a motion for the exclusive use of the marital home. When appropriate, an attorney can file for temporary child and spousal support and request immediate payment of attorney fees to allow you to pursue (or defend) a divorce action.
From a legal standpoint, these are the essential first steps, which will help you to make it through the process of filing for divorce. Divorce is a document intensive and fact specific process. You can reduce attorney fees by providing documents to your attorney and/or helping to prepare various financial charts, budgets, etc. Your role in the process should be active, not passive.

Preparing For The Initial Visit with Your Attorney

Before you ever meet with an attorney, take time to prepare relevant information regarding your assets, debts and ongoing financial obligations. Your attorney will need a number of documents before he or she can take action, but by collecting this information in advance you can reduce the time and expense of divorce.

Among other things, you should bring current utility bills, documents relating to your mortgage, tax records, bank statements, vehicle titles, retirement documents and investment records. This documentation will allow your attorney to take immediate action to protect your interests and develop a broad outlook regarding the fair division of marital assets.

Call your attorney's office to ask what specific documents they require and if they have any forms for you to complete prior to the meeting.

Keeping Costs Down During Litigation

Divorce varies immensely from one family to the next. In some cases, separating spouses can barely stand to share a room; in others, the divorce is amicable and separating spouses can work together to reach a fair resolution. Ultimately, the better you are able to work with your spouse throughout the divorce, the less costly the divorce is likely to be.

The more information you can provide to your attorney, the less you will pay in copy costs and attorney time. The better organized the information, the less time your attorney will spend reviewing the documents. For example, most attorneys use an asset-liability chart to assist with mediation and trial. The chart is used to show a mediator (or judge) the marital estate "at a glance." Your attorney should give this chart to you to complete and attach the supporting documentation. If you dump a stack of documents on an attorney who will then have to weed through numerous accounts and statements, your billable hours will increase accordingly.

Other ways to reduce costs are to request your financial records directly from your bank or other financial institution, employer, school, or medical doctor. This will save you subpoena costs and the time your attorney will spend to prepare them. Sometimes, however, an attorney will still need to subpoena documents. But these are some ways to help cut costs.

Whining Costs Money

You should be able to communicate freely with your attorney. But if you are calling every day to report on the sins of your recalcitrant spouse, you will be unnecessarily racking up your attorney bill. The same holds true for forwarding every email exchange between you and your spouse. While your attorney will be empathetic to your emotional, as well as your legal needs during a divorce proceeding, if you really need to simply vent or a shoulder to cry on, it's much less expensive to call a friend, counselor or priest.

Conclusion

While cutting costs is a legitimate concern in any case, it is most important that you select an attorney with whom you are comfortable and whom you trust. Most attorneys want to help their clients and are genuinely interested in saving them money. But ultimately we must do what is in our client's best interests, and sometimes this involves spending additional funds to conduct more extensive discovery, take depositions, or hire financial experts to value a marital home, business, or other assets. It is possible to pursue or defend a divorce action without going broke if you have an attorney who is sensitive to these issues.

10 Things Not To Do In Your Divorce Case

2009-04-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

I continue to find valuable information on other people's blogs. This one is especially relevant. Read and heed.

Divorce is not easy. There are many pitfalls and traps awaiting parties that have not educated themselves about the process. People often make bad decisions under stress, or without the guidance of an experienced lawyer. Don’t be one of them. Divorce law isn’t rocket science, but it isn’t always intuitive. Avoid the following 10 divorce pitfalls to get a better result.

During your divorce, you should NOT:

1. Lie to your lawyer: We are here to help you. Your communication with us is privileged, meaning we can’t tell others about it, except in certain child abuse scenarios. The more we know, the more we can help. We need to know everything, the embarrassing, the ugly, and the secret. If you have a drug, alcohol, or gambling problem, tell us. You have two options: (1) Disclose and likely hear from your lawyer that your secret or problem is irrelevant to the court process, or (2) Fail to disclose and have your case hurt at trial because the other lawyer knows facts you haven’t told your lawyer.

2. Lie to the court: If you have a trial, the result is directly affected by your credibility. Judges are generally experts at determining who is telling the truth, and who is lying. Not only is lying to the court a crime, but your lawyer may have a duty to stop the proceeding and tell the court if he or she knows you are misrepresenting facts! If you have areas of your case that are sensitive, work with your lawyer on what you are going to say, but don’t misrepresent.

3. Involve the kids in the process: If your case involves a custody or parenting time dispute, nothing will draw the wrath of the court faster than involving your kids in the dispute. Don’t talk to them about the case. Don’t use them as pawns in the battle against your spouse. Don’t use them as your therapist, or treat them as your peers. Don’t put your spouse down in front of the kids. You are not only harming your case, you are harming your children.

4. Hide or fail to produce documents: You have an absolute right to see your spouse’s financial documents. Your spouse has an absolute right to see your financial documents. I have seen many cases that could have been simple turn complex and expensive when someone decides to not voluntarily produce records. The court can force you to produce records, and order that you pay your spouse’s lawyer fees incurred in getting the records. Good clients and good lawyers produce documents quickly and voluntarily. I had a case where we asked for some email records from the other side. They did not produce them, and when we filed a motion to compel their production, they tried to tell the court that they had been destroyed. The stunt seriously impacted the opposing lawyer’s credibility with the court.

5. Refuse to cooperate with a court appointed expert: In divorce and custody cases, experts called “custody evaluators” are routinely appointed to gather information about a family and make a recommendation regarding an appropriate parenting plan. If one is appointed in your case, cooperate. Be on time for appointments. Treat the expert with appropriate respect. Ignoring the requests of the evaluator can seriously harm your position and credibility with the court. An evaluator will likely make negative assumptions about you if you cannot comply with a court’s order to cooperate.

6. Settle without analyzing your case: Divorce can be unpleasant and emotionally painful. One reaction is to try to get it over quickly. Do not give into the urge to be done with the case before you have a full understanding of the assets and what a fair distribution looks like. You don’t want to be in a position where you are contemplating settlement and your spouse knows more about the assets than you. Prepare and go over a proposed distribution of assets and liabilities with your lawyer. Make sure you know the nature and extent of the assets, and get additional discovery if you don’t. Do not settle prematurely, before you know what is fair.

7. Fail to try to resolve the case outside of court: Don’t settle early without analysis, but also don’t fail to try to settle. Good lawyers and reasonable people settle most divorce cases without a trial. Many clients benefit from mediation, either through the county courthouse or through a private mediator. Our experience has been that many very difficult settle in mediation with the guidance of a trained expert mediator. You should always consult with your lawyer during the process to make sure you are getting a fair result. Settling also means you choose the outcome rather than have a judge impose an outcome on you. Parties that settle are generally happier long term, and have less ongoing conflict. Even if the other side is unreasonable, you should still make an offer to create a record of your position.

8. Take out your stress in unhealthy ways: This is the wrong time to up the drinking or other unhealthy behavior. Expect stress from the conflict and plan for it. Take out your stress in healthy ways, like at the gym, sports, or in talking to friends or a counselor. Don’t take it out on your children, or your body through unhealthy behaviors.

9. Be economically irrational in negotiations: At some point in every case it costs more to continue arguing than what is at stake. Approach your case with a business like mind. Are you really winning if you spend $1000 on lawyers to argue over a $50 lamp? Some (bad) lawyers insist on arguing about every point, without regard to cost. Every issue is a new battle front. A request to resolve one issue results in two more contested issues. In our opinion, these lawyers don’t serve their clients well. Pick your battles. If it costs $1000 to argue over something you can replace at Target for $20, buy a new one, and focus on what is really important.

10. Be your own lawyer if your case is contested and your spouse is represented: Many judges dislike unrepresented parties. Even experienced divorce lawyers hire experienced divorce lawyers for an objective opinion. Many unrepresented people who think they have a great case find out otherwise after a judge rules against them because they can’t tell the judge everything they want to because of the rules of evidence. If you disagree over property or custody, and your spouse has a lawyer, seek representation.

Source: The Oregon Divorce Blog.

SOURCE FOR POST: Oklahoma Family Law Blog

Divorce Your Spouse - Not your Children's Grandparents

2009-04-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have been following Rosalind Sedacca's posting for some time and find that she has good advice for divorcing parents. As a grandmother I very much appreciate this one. I am often asked about "grandparent's rights" -- Sadly the United States Supreme Court has ruled that there is no such thing. All rights flow through the parents.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

When parents divorce, each member of the family is affected in very unique and personal ways. The age of the child, their gender, their relationship with their siblings, how close they were to each parent and a myriad of other factors all influence the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual repercussions in the months and years ahead.

There re many others whose lives are forever changed by the complexities of divorce. Frequently overlooked and often tragically scarred are the grandparents. Custody issues are hard enough for parents to battle out. Few take into account the consequences for grandparents whose unconditional love for their grandchildren is such a healthy and rewarding part of normal family life.

Once again this is a time for clear thinking on behalf of your children. Should they be deprived of the warmth, intimacy and loving support of grandparents just because you are angry at your former spouse? When you take out your marital frustrations on your in-laws -- your children's grandparents -- it's your children who will suffer.

Grandparents have a special place in the lives and hearts of their grandchildren. Usually they are the ones to spoil the kids, indulge them, take them off your hands when no one else can come to the rescue. Of course, not all grandparents fit the idyllic stereotype, nor are all grandparents emotionally close to their grandchildren. But if your in-laws have a healthy relationship with your children, think long and hard before severing that chord.

A child-centered divorce honors and respects all the adults and children that play a part in your children's lives. One of the primary factors in easing your children through the challenges of separation or divorce is maintaining their lives as closely as possible to their pre-divorce routines. The less disruption in their schedules, day-to-day and month-to-month activities, the easier will be their transition through divorce and beyond.

Spending time with grandma and grandpa, whether every Sunday, once a month or once a year over Christmas or summer vacation, is a routine that means life is going on with some semblance of safety, security and ease. Consider the consequences before interrupting or sabotaging that relationship. Don't deny your children the support system they have come to love and depend upon out of spite, resentment or any other motive not of relevance to your children.

Divorce is tough all around. It behooves you to do the right thing every step of the way. Seek out professional guidance if you need help regarding decisions affecting your children. Let those decisions be motivated by your love for your children - not by your resentment against those who love your children, as well.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide^(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

Dissolve the Marriage, Save the Family

2009-04-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

April 2009 Bar Bulletin
King County Bar Association

By Karin Quirk

My practice has evolved over time to representing parties who have decided they no longer want to be married but want to maintain a relationship with their ex-spouse. They have watched their friends go through bitter divorces and want to avoid the hostility generated by a “divorce war.”

I’m pleased that I have been able to work with a community of like-minded family law attorneys to offer an alternative. While not appropriate in all divorce cases, this alternative does offer clients an opportunity to build a new, if different, family.

A friend of mine, a wedding photographer, tells me one of the biggest challenges of his work comes with attempting to juggle the divorced parents of the bride or groom. Miss Manners columns advise on how to handle the invitations and where to seat the parents and their significant others. Similar horror stories abound for other significant family events such as bar/bat mitzvahs, college graduations and even piano recitals and soccer games.

These events are for the honoree and the marital status of the parents should not cause tension. Often this bitterness is the result of an acrimonious divorce. While divorce will continue to happen, many family law attorneys now work with their clients to create a new way to divorce without the lingering hostility.

A family therapist who works with divorcing couples explains the progression of the couple’s relationship. When they first married, they became husband and wife, and when they had children, they became mom and dad. Now that they are divorcing, they will no longer be husband and wife, but they will always be mom and dad. Recognizing the importance of this relationship, couples are searching for ways to terminate the marriage and yet preserve the future relationship as parents.

There are several models for non-adversarial divorce. Washington has a growing contingent of professionals practicing collaborative divorce. A new organization of Washington collaborative professionals held its first statewide conference last fall. King County Collaborative Law has spawned South Sound and South Snohomish County groups.

The professional members include family law attorneys, mental health professionals, financial specialists and mortgage professionals. There are many smaller practice groups meeting regularly to hone their skills and learn from each other. It is interesting when the marriage counselors meet with the divorce lawyers and learn to communicate with each other.

Collaborative law has specific protocols where the professionals form a team with the divorcing couples. Mental health professionals may act as coaches for the parties, helping them learn to communicate in a more productive manner, or a child specialist may help the couple develop a parenting schedule that makes sense for the children and the family’s needs.

There are other models for non-adversarial divorce. Several attorneys have left the courtroom to work with couples as mediators to help clients forge their own marital settlement agreements and parenting plans. Some attorneys pledge to work cooperatively with each other in a non-adversarial manner. There is growing demand for unbundled services from attorneys who can assist couples with a “kitchen table” divorce, with the parties working out their own issues and the attorneys acting as facilitators for the legal process.

I have been writing about non-adversarial divorce in a small local paper for a number of years. The paper has an online version and I have received calls from attorneys in several states and even the United Kingdom requesting permission to reprint the articles in their local publications. These attorneys are primarily seeking better ways of serving their clients, but are also looking at how this model affects their own lives. They are looking at reducing the stress caused by highly litigious cases.

While forming a new family relationship in the midst of a divorce is a desirable goal, it isn’t always possible. There will still be a need for traditional litigation and I applaud the difficult work undertaken by my litigator colleagues. For family law attorneys who are feeling burned out, I do suggest they investigate the possibilities offered by these emerging dissolution models.

I have a picture in my office as an example of a new family created after divorce. It is a picture of my own daughter’s wedding with her husband’s parents, her father and both of her moms. My grandson finds it perfectly normal and quite desirable to have three grandmothers.

Don't Forget to Update Your Will and Estate Plan After Divorce

2009-04-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

I send my clients a letter with their final divorce papers. I always advise them to update their wills and estate plans. Most of them don't do it. I think I will start being more proactive because it is important. Here are a few things you might want to consider:

Who has power of attorney for health care?
Is it your former spouse? Do you want that?

Do you want to leave your estate to your former spouse?
The divorce invalidates that portion of your will. If you want your former spouse to be the recipient, you need to restate that after the divorce.

The divorce and a new will won't change beneficiaries on your insurance and retirement accounts
You must fill out new beneficiary forms. Don't think just making a will takes care of it.

Did you set up a trust account for your children? If you did, did you make the trust the beneficiary on your insurance?
Often clients don't want children to inherit large sums of money all at once when they are 18 and set up a trust to handle the money until they are older. The largest sum often is the insurance proceeds and if the children are the beneficiaries they will receive the lump sum when they are 18. You should name the children's trust as the beneficiary.

What documents should you have along with a will?

You should have

A will (Last Will and Testament)
Power of Attorney for Health Care
Health Care Directive
Durable Power of Attorney

Children As Messengers And Spies During Your Divorce – Don't Go There!

2009-03-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

This came into my in box this morning and I thought it would be of interest to divorced or divorcing parents. The book is available on Amazon.com. I haven't read it and don't know the author but I pass it along as good information.

By Mike Mastracci

When there is ongoing custody conflict, children should rarely be asked to relay messages to their other parent. Asking a child to carry messages is yet another lose-lose proposition. By asking your child to be a messenger you do nothing to improve your parental communication skills with the other parent. Furthermore, you place your child directly in the middle of an area already ripe for a communication meltdown. Even a seemingly simple and benevolent message can lead to chaos.

Here's an example that may sound familiar: "Tell your father that we have plans on Friday night so he can pick you up on Saturday at 10 a.m. instead of Friday at 6 p.m."

In a case like this, Mom may be pretending, or even genuinely believing, that she is doing a good deed by giving Dad advance notice and avoiding any confrontation between the two of them over this issue. Either way, she is WRONG!

Let's look at the potential pitfalls in this one simple scenario:

The child forgets (or because of the desire to avoid conflict pretends to forget), and the result is that Dad shows up on Friday night and no one is home.
The child tells Dad, as instructed by Mom, and Dad blows a fuse. The result is a bad transition time for father and child.
Dad says, "When you go back to your Mother's, tell her that I will be there as scheduled," and the child forgets (or pretends to forget) to deliver the message to avoid any more conflict.
The child feels apprehensive, doesn't want to hurt Dad's feelings, and is upset with Mom for "causing" this dilemma.
Dad says, "Tell your Mom that you'd better be there on Friday night as planned or I'll (call the police, call my lawyer, file contempt proceedings...)." – You fill in the blank.
It's Friday night, Mom wants the child to go to the planned event, and the child is apprehensive about going because of the situation; the child is expecting Dad to show up and "cause a scene." They leave before Dad's scheduled time just in case. The next morning there is a bad exchange between the parents in front of the child.
When Dad arrives on Saturday the child may get the third degree about what plans were "so important." Dad bad-mouthing Mom then becomes more likely.
Questions like what, where, when, why, what time, and who was there, may potentially consume the transition time between homes.
What if Dad had special plans for Friday night that the child would have really enjoyed?

All of this headache and heartache can be avoided when parents act like grown-ups and do their own communicating. There is almost never a reason for your children to act as go-betweens. It can be avoided with a little effort and some creative maneuvering. When you allow yourself to use your children as messengers, you're really placing responsibility on them that belongs to you. Don't load your children down with your own burdens. Don't make life easier for yourself by making it more complicated for them.

If treating your children as messengers isn't bad enough, it is really inappropriate to use them as "spies". When children are told to report on the activities of the other parent, it places the children in a no-win situation. Even worse, using your children as spies has other negative consequences. It promotes lying and deceit. Encouraging spying promotes picking sides. It also creates loyalty conflicts for your children. As a result, children may clam up, become untruthful, or untrustworthy.

It can be difficult to break the habit of inappropriately questioning your children after they return from time spent with the other parent, but it must be done. A little child-focused thinking should get you there. Think about how it feels for your children to transition from one home to the other. When they return to you, they want to know you're happy to see them and that you're focused on them. Interrogation does not start your transition time off on a good note, and it makes children very uncomfortable whether they outwardly show it or not. Furthermore, if your children are worried that they'll have to "report" to you, transition time will be awkward for them. Instead of focusing on how your children have already spent their time, focus on how you’re going to spend your time with them.

Obviously, there are some common-sense exceptions. Real and legitimate safety or health issues fall into that category. But that's not what I'm talking about in this article, I'm talking about when you want to know whether Daddy's new girlfriend went to the zoo with them. Don't make a situation such as this even more complicated for your children. They'll tell you what they want to tell you, and they'll be a whole lot more likely to do so when you don't give them the third degree or send them to purposely spy.

Children are smarter than you think. Simple communication designed to surreptitiously interrogate the children is not going to work for long. They will try desperately to exercise their right to remain silent. The reason they will do this is because they know that anything they say can and will generally be used against them - in one way or another! Again, the key is to focus on the life you and your children live together and enjoy every moment of it.

This is just one article that is similar to the information you will find in my new book, "Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations"

Available at Amazon.com

What Effects of Economy Are You Seeing?

2009-03-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

I generally keep this post to issues important to divorcing couples such as financial, parenting and promoting respectful, cooperative divorce. Lately, however, the economy is topic one. Certainly the current economic downturn has a tremendous impact on divorcing couples but it impacts almost everyone in some way. Here are some completely random observations. These observations come from stories I am hearing from my clients, other lawyers in the community and my network of business entrepreneurs.

Divorce

I do not have any statistics but from what I am observing and hearing from my colleagues, people are holding off on getting divorced. I wouldn't put this in the category of good news because it is not a happy situation for these folks. In the last month I have had at least three couples postpone their divorce because they were experiencing financial problems and could not afford to live in separate households. I am concerned for children living in such a household and I feel sorry that the individuals can't move on with their lives.

Divorce among the affluent isn't any easier. Many of my high earner clients have seen bonuses and commissions greatly reduced. It is not unusual among these high earners to live on credit until the bonus comes in. Now without a bonus they are facing high credit card debt. That neighbor in the high priced house may not be doing as well as you see from the outside.

Other Random Effects

My colleagues who practice DUI defense tell me business is down. Are people drinking at home and not driving? That could be a good result. What I am told, however, is that drivers are going to court without representation and hoping for the best. Never a good idea. Not only is a defense lawyer important in court, a defense lawyer assists clients with Department of Licensing issues.

The wine wholesalers are still doing well. (Was that a segue or what?) Their orders from restaurants are way down but the orders from wine merchants are up. People are enjoying their wine at home.

I heard this morning that medical providers are doing a booming business because people are hurrying to get their health care issues taken care of before they lose their health insurance. Not exactly optimistic news and may lead to higher insurance premiums.

Who is doing well?

Ice cream! Traditionally vendors of premium ice cream do well in economic downturn because people can treat themselves to a luxury that doesn't break the budget.

Mental health counselors. This seems obvious, as long as people still have health insurance they are going to counselors to deal with stress issues. I'm guessing those folks delaying the divorce are seeing counselors also.

Massage Therapist

I hear that this is another form of self care people will indulge in to feel better.

Manicurists?

A mixed bag. Some women have had to cut down on weekly manicures but some have added them in the low price luxury/self care category. I wonder how business is for hair dressers? I won't use my own experience here!

Anyone else?

I would love to see comments from others of their observations. Then let's all focus on the positive and know better times are coming.

Divorce or Stay Together - a Difficult Challenge for Parents

2009-03-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I try to provide relevant information for divorcing couples. Rosalind Sedacca has been a previous contributor and this information is valuable for couples with children. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

This is a tough and controversial subject. There are no right or wrong answers, nor are there any simplistic black and white solutions. I am sharing my own perspective, based on my own life experiences. I welcome you to contribute your own perspective as long as you are respectful of the rights of others to see the world in a different light.

I am the author of a new book about parenting and divorce. I also grew up in a family that stayed together for the sake of the kids, so I have a good perspective on both sides of this topic. Obviously neither option is one any family would choose - they both create pain and hurt.

However, I am opting in on the side of divorce as preferable to years of living in a home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children grow up surrounded by sadness and anger. That's the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later. Dr. Phil often says, "I'd rather come from a dysfunctional family than be in one." I firmly believe he's right.

Staying in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice that doesn't touch upon the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a couple in name only. There is no positive role model of how marriage can and should be lived. Happiness, harmony, collaboration, respect and joy are all absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together. Children feel it, are confused by it, often blame themselves, are usually guilt-ridden and experience little peace in childhood.

That's why I chose the other route when my marriage was failing. However, I intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I consciously created what I call a child-centered divorce, co-parented with my former husband, shared custody and maintained a positive relationship with my ex for the decade to follow. Most gratifying for me is the satisfaction of my now adult son writing the introduction to my new book, acknowledging the merits of my philosophy and behavior.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook^(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! provides an innovative new way to have the dreaded "divorce" talk. What makes the book unique is that I don't just tell parents what to say. I say it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to break the news to their children.

Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators and other professionals from around the U.S. and beyond have been endorsing the book and the value of my novel approach to this subject. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. My purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children. I provide six essential messages every child needs to hear and understand when divorce or separation are pending. I also advise parents, for the sake of their kids, to choose to create a "child-centered divorce" and highlight all the short- and long-term advantages in the months, years and decades to come.

If parents have the maturity and determination to re-connect, get professional assistance and stay together in a renewed commitment to marriage, that would absolutely be ideal. The entire family will benefit and the healing will be a blessing. However, if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence and apathy of sleep-walking through a dead marriage, divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for all concerned. But only - and this is the key point -- only if parents consciously work on creating a harmonious, collaborative child-centered divorce that puts the children's emotional and psychological needs first!

* * *

Divore and Money -- another point of view

2009-03-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

Rosemary Frank is a family law attorney in Florida. She has good information on her site: http://www.dollarsofdivorce.com/

Tell it to the Judge

2009-03-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

Most of my divorce cases are cooperative and are not litigated but occasionally I take on a heavily litigated case. Usually these litigated cases serve as a reminder of why I am so passionate about trying to change the way people divorce. The contrast is striking between a litigated case and a collaborative case. This week I worked on two cases that provide great illustrations of that difference.

Case one had gone on for more that a year and was scheduled for trial March 9. A few days before trial we tried to resolve the matter through a mandatory settlement conference. These conferences are intense and emotionally draining but not nearly as much as trial can be. As is typical in these settlement conferences, the parties were in separate rooms with their respective attorneys as the mediator shuttled between rooms. The parties were wide apart and neither was willing to compromise. No settlement was reached and my opposing counsel took my client's deposition. Again my client endured four emotional hours during which irrelevant but potentially embarrassing questions came one after the other. These questions could never be asked at trial but an attorney has wide latitude during deposition. After the deposition I used my best negotiating skills to find resolution. Both parties remained intransigent. Somehow both parties believed they would prevail if they could just "tell it to the judge". So both attorneys prepared for trial.

Although trial date was March 9 we were on hold waiting for an available court. A divorce without children is lowest priority and we waited more than two weeks. Last Friday we received notice that trial would begin Monday morning on March 23. My client lives out of state and would have to find last minute plane tickets.

Both attorneys worked hard at coming to resolution. We know that trial would be very expensive and neither client would like the end result. We had been working at resolutions that would meet each of our clients priorities. Results of trial would "split the baby". We knew both parties were at risk of a property division that would not serve them well. So why would the parties continue to hold out for trial? They each believed that if they could just "tell it to the judge" the judge would realize how virtuous they each were and would find for them. My client had complaints about what her husband did for the last 20 years. Similarly her husband knew he would receive sympathy by relating his list of complaints. The truth is none of their complaints would even be heard by the judge.

Washington is a no fault, community property state. That means the bad acts of a party are not relevant. All the property in this case is community. A court would merely divide all property equally. My opposing counsel and I were working on an equitable division that would divide property in a way that made sense to the individual parties. She needed cash and he wanted to keep his business. We had that resolution well worked out and knew our clients would not do better at trial.

Late Friday we thought we had a good resolution and had agreement in principle. Where were we stuck? The wine glasses! She wanted them and he, who was still living in the house, claimed he did not know where they were. Stalemate. Does anyone believe the battle was really over the wine glasses? Years of anger and disappointment were wrapped up in those goblets. Both were still convinced they would get the sympathetic ear of the judge. Both attorneys knew these emotional issues would not be addressed at trial and were frustrated about preparing for trial when the relevant issues were relatively simple to resolve and the emotional issues were not relevant and the rules of evidence would prevent introduction of most testimony the clients wanted to present.

Sanity prevailed at 10 p.m. Friday as my esteemed opposing counsel and I worked out the last of the logistics by cell phone and e mail. Both attorneys are satisfied and neither client is. We saved our clients thousands of dollars and forged what we know is as equitable result as we could have in this situation. We gave our all only to end up with dissatisfied clients.

Case two also has gone on for over a year. However the delay has been at the clients' request. They have endured several traumatic events recently and needed to pause the divorce discussions. The clients had already crafted interim agreements with the help of their attorneys, financial planner and mental health coaches. Both husband and wife were content with the interim agreements and were not prejudiced by the delay.

Last week we had a "team meeting" with husband and wife, their attorneys and the financial planner. A lot has changed since our last meeting. The home value has plunged, the retirement accounts are significantly reduced, wife has lost her job and husband's job is at risk. Rather than expressing bitterness, both husband and wife expressed understanding and empathy. Both were concerned about the well being of the other in the future. They still want to dissolve the marriage but want to do so with dignity and respect. They have adult children and want to maintain a family relationship. They are my poster illustrations of the ideal collaborative case. This couple could easily have been in the same position as the litigious couple but they made a different choice early on in the divorce process. And that choice has made all the difference.

My mission is to change the way people divorce. I recruit others to help me spread the word that there is a different way. I hope these two stories provide incentive to choose a different way.

OPTIONS FOR SELLING A HOUSE WHEN YOU ARE DIVORCING

2009-03-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

In my practice I work with a variety of specialists in finance and real estate. Their professional advise is useful for folks contemplating divorce. The following was written by Thomas Tribble, a real estate professional who works with couples to explore alternatives when selling a house as part of a divorce.

Options on Dealing with the House
By Thomas Tribble
www.optionhouserealestate.com

In better times, when a couple was contemplating a divorce, the main consideration about the house was who gets to keep it, or how are we going to divide the proceeds from the sale of the house? These days the discussion raises the questions of whether or not the house will even sell, will there be any proceeds from the sale, or who has to keep it and deal with trying to maintain it or sell it.

In spite of all the bleak perspective on the market that is being broadcast, houses can still be sold, especially if the owners are willing to do some untypical things to get it done.

The most common approach is to list the house with a realtor and wait for a pre-qualified buyer to come along and relieve the sellers of their responsibility. As long as there is no sense of urgency to sell, and as long as the house is priced to sell amidst the surrounding competition, this is can be a very acceptable approach. However if the sellers do not want to wait for several months to get a potential offer, and they are willing to consider some other options, they can move the process along much more quickly.

The options depend on some specific economic and personal considerations that, in combination, make the approach unique to each case and set of circumstances. Specifically the options revolve around whether or not there is equity in the house, and whether or not the owners are willing to accept terms that may require some time to get them that equity.

In order to determine whether or not there is equity, a comparison has to be made between what is owed on the house and at what price the house can be sold quickly. The first part is straight forward and simply a matter of looking at statements from the first mortgage, second mortgage, and any other lien holders. This will total up all that is owed against the house. The sale price needs to be determined from looking at comparable properties that have recently sold, from comparable properties that are currently for sale, and the amount of time that those properties were on the market before they sold, and how long the current listings have been on the market. In the real estate industry this is called a Comparative Market Analysis. The accuracy of that analysis is critical and needs to include the costs associated with selling. Obviously, the price that is determined will govern which direction the sellers will need to go to achieve their goals.

Whether or not there is equity in the house, one selling partner may want to issue a Quit Claim deed to the other just relieve them self of any concern about the house. While this does not relieve the Quit Claiming partner from their obligation under any mortgage notes they have signed, it does allow the other partner to proceed with the house as they see fit. While I am not an attorney, nor do I play one on TV, the ramifications of issuing a Quit Claim Deed should be discussed fully with your attorney before you do this.

When there is equity in the house, the sellers must determine how much of that equity they can relinquish to sell the house quickly, if that is their goal, which is the next important decision: How quickly does the house need to be sold?

When the house needs to be sold quickly, often a real estate wholesaler is the fastest way to sell. The real estate wholesaler will purchase the house and engineer a deal that is tailored to the circumstances of the divorcing couple. One such transaction is for him to take over the payments on the existing first mortgage, and then issue a note to each individual for their portion of the equity. Both notes are recorded, and both notes receive payments. When the notes are paid off, each person receives their portion without any need for further discussion. This is a very appealing scenario to many couples. Conditions do have to be met with the first mortgage, but this is usually done fairly simply.

When there is no equity in the house, about the only option to relieve the couple from the title is to do a short sale. This is not a quick option, since negotiations have to be opened with the lender(s), and there is a lot of cooperation needed between the buyer, the sellers, and the lenders. However, the process is more quickly handled by a real estate wholesaler than waiting for a retail buyer to come in through a real estate agent.

So, what is the best option? It all depends on the individual circumstances. It depends on the couple. It depends on the condition of the house. It depends on the financing attached to the house. But there are more options available than just to list the house for sale and wait for the market to get around to you. If your goal is to be separated, and the house is one of the obstacles to that, much can be done for the motivated couple that protects the interests of the individuals.

HOW IS THE ECONOMY AFFECTING DIVORCES?

2009-03-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

Is the current economic crisis reducing the divorce rate and keeping couples together? According to current news reports couples are choosing to remain married because they don't think they can afford a divorce. My divorce attorney colleagues verify that business is down dramatically. What's the real story here? Is diversity bringing couples closer together? From my perspective, No. Money troubles create a strain on the marriage and exacerbate problems that may have existed in good times.

Some couples are trying to "tough it out" by living in the same house as if they were roommates. This is hardly a satisfactory solution and certainly does not improve their mental health. If they have children, this creates even more confusion and turmoil for the children than if the parents were to move to separate homes. As their morale lowers, the financial difficulties become worse and the endless cycle continues.

Some couples search the internet for ways to get a "quick, cheap" divorce. Naturally I have a bias against this approach. I have found people who spent several hundred dollars and a lot of time and frustration and still were not divorced. I have had calls from people who were totally misinformed and sadly, I have had calls from people who let their spouse do all the work and now have serious regrets about what they gave up. Just the other day a young woman asked me if she could have her divorce settlement revised after five years! Filing in an unknown county across the state has many pitfalls, some of which don't appear until years later. If you have children, own real estate or either party has retirement accounts, you should at least have a conversation with a lawyer.

What can be done?

First of all, not all lawyers are scary. Some of us are quite easy to talk to and might even offer a cup of coffee along with a conversation. I explore alternatives with clients in keeping with their main interests. What are the alternatives for a house that has no equity or won't sell? What would it take to live in separate residences? How can you save on legal fees? I also point out ways to preserve privacy. Legal costs are a big concern and I, as well as many of my colleagues, am willing to discuss cost cutting measures.

Often after I have a conversation with prospective clients they find that I really do earn my keep. I can help them simplify the process and at the same time make sure all issues have been addressed.

I am available for questions either by e mail or phone. I would also like to share some stories about how other folks have handled a divorce in tough economic times.

The Challenge of Change - Managing Divorce Related Stress

2008-10-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

Here is an article I found by an Alabama attorney written a few years ago but still relevant. Although Mr. Shaw practices in Alabama, the information is not state specific and is useful to people getting a divorce in Washington State This article and similar information may be found at www.divorcenet.com Keep in mind that not all information on this site is applicable in Washington State.

"Our culture is full of clichés about change. They are repeated to us from the time we are children, and become ingrained into our vocabulary. We tend to pay good lip service to the idea that when change happens in our lives, we will be ready for its challenges. However, we are often not as well prepared for the challenge change presents as we think we are. More often than not, that challenge is stress. Whether the change is good or bad, hard or easy, voluntary or forced upon us, there is an inherent level of stress in every change we face. Nowhere is that more evident than in the challenges and changes put upon a person and a family by the dissolution of a marriage.

Our firm deals with people every day who are trying to manage varying degrees of stress related to the changes brought about by divorce. Through my own family experience, I know how those changes can effect every family member with varying degrees of stress. Divorce can be the complete destruction of all stability for one party and the opening of a door to a greater sense of peace for another. The reasons divorce occurs vary and each situation is unique to itself. From the most amicable uncontested divorce to the most hotly contested custody dispute, stress is the common factor. How the parties deal with stress determines how healthy the change can be, and how the parties will be able to deal with the changes divorce brings about.

I am very fortunate in my practice to have the opportunity to work with a number of professionals in various fields that deal with the challenges people face while going through a divorce. Through my experience, I have compiled a list of suggestions that I share with my clients regarding ways they can deal with stress. Taking these steps will not totally remove the stress brought about by divorce. Hopefully, it will help make this time of incredible change a process of growth and learning, so that those going through it will come out healthy and whole.

SEEK EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: Unlike any other area of the law, family law deals with some of the most raw and personal issues a family can face. Many different emotions and feelings will rise – from anger, regret, fear, despair, anxiety, frustration, and distrust to feelings of relief and new beginning. All the emotions are real, and all the feelings a person has are valid. It is how those emotions and feelings are dealt with that will determine how a person survives a divorce. Whether it is a pastor, support group, close friend, counselor or therapist, I recommend to my clients that they find a “safe place” or person to confide in to help work through these emotional times. Do not try to go it alone, and do not try to keep these emotions and feelings bottled up – more often than not that leads to a more difficult time in working through the divorce process.

It does not matter whether you are the one who wants the divorce or not. I had one counselor tell me that the person who realizes that a separation in the marriage is necessary often looses the support of those around him or her, no matter how correct that decision may be. Seek the support of others, and look to counseling when needed. There is no stigma in needing help going through a divorce. Keep your children in mind as well – they are facing the changes and stresses with you, and their emotions and feelings are just as real and valid. With the right assistance, you and your family can make it through these very challenging and difficult emotional times.

PRAYER/SPIRITUALITY: I have found that for many people, going through a divorce can be one of the greatest challenges of faith they will ever face. It can also be one of the times of greatest spiritual growth. I am not advocating any particular religion or religious practice. However, I do recommend that you put faith and spiritual well being at the forefront of your concerns while going through a divorce. You should meditate, pray, or seek the guidance of a pastor, priest or rabbi. Change comes about in our lives. Allowing this change to work a positive spiritual effect in your life can help you to learn from the situation, grow as a person, and be healthier when the process of change is complete.

SEEK LEGAL COUNSEL: A divorce not only presents emotional challenges and stresses – it is a legal proceeding that requires special attention to the particulars of your individual situation. Our laws require that certain burdens be met and presented in specific ways before a court can grant a divorce. Calculation of child support, asset and debt division and property settlement all have areas of particularity that must be addressed. I have watched individuals who have tried to represent themselves have their case dismissed because they have not met the requirements our laws put in place to insure that the divorce process is not abused. I have watched them walk away from the bench discouraged and having to start the process over, increasing the stress of the situation. Assistance from expert legal counsel can help relieve some of that stress.

The most important aspect in choosing a lawyer is finding someone with whom you feel comfortable. The attorney-client relationship is important, and you must feel that your attorney has the ability to protect your interests, advocate your position, and understand your concerns. You must find a lawyer who you trust, because you will need to share some of the most intimate details of your life with your lawyer. You must be able to work as a team. If that type of working relationship can be established, the process can work smoothly, and some stress may be relieved.

SEEK FINANCIAL GUIDANCE: One of the greatest challenges, and consequently greatest causes of stress in a divorce, is handling the financial change. Often the parties go from a two-income household to two one-income households, with mirroring expenses. Dividing financial assets, bank accounts, retirement funds and the like can unravel the most well devised financial plan. Parties may come out of the process with debt loads that they never anticipated. The payment of child and spousal support combined with other financial obligations can leave your budget reeling. Tax consequences can be enormous. If you have an accountant or financial advisor, talk with them about the effects of the divorce on your financial situation. Let your attorney know who your accountant or financial professionals are, so that they can work together as team to protect your financial interests and design a financial plan to achieve your goals.

LEARN FROM THE CHANGE: One of the best pieces of advice I have heard from a family counselor is that if the second marriage is a success, the first was not a failure. A divorce allows a person an opportunity to reevaluate where he or she is in life, what expectations he or she has in marriage, and what are his or her personal goals. Often, the factors that led to the breakdown of the marriage can provide the building blocks for stronger foundations in future relationships. No matter what the cause of the separation, learn from the changes and challenges you have been presented. Learn how to communicate and understand your emotions. Learn positive ways to deal with change, stress and feelings. Learn new skills as a parent, partner and friend. Adjust to the changes presented and take this unique opportunity to grow from the challenges and stresses the divorce has raised.

Going through a divorce may not have been your choice, or there may have seen no other alternative. Let this be a time for change that leads to personal growth and self-exploration. Take the lessons the process presents and apply them to your life. Begin to rebuild and know that with support, prayer, appropriate advice, planning and self-awareness, you can take this difficult and stressful challenge and not only survive, but become a better parent, friend, partner and person. You can meet the challenge of change. Reach out to those around you, find the support you need, and you will be successful."

Paul Shaw

Birmingham, Alabama

2005

More Resources for Divorcing Parents

2008-10-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Many resources come across my desk as a family law attorney. These web sites seem interesting although I have not reviewed each one. These comments come from the following site www.onteenstoday.com

Child Centered Divorce Rosalind Sedacca is very active in educating parents about divorce. Her website, “Child-Centered Divorce,” helps parents minimize the emotional trauma for children whose parents are going through a divorce.

Divorce@Suite101 Lots of great resources here with celebrity contributors!

Attachment Parenting Blog Great Dad perspective with three children, 11, 8 and 4, which is a discussion venue for topics relating to single parenting, divorce, fatherhood.

Gabriel Cheong Law “This blog is really great, videos, interesting articles and I am sure very helpful legal advice for sticky situations divorced families get into.” -Nick, 19

Single Parent Survival Guide this is a great blog by Cliff Carlton, posts are spread about, but really useful!

Divorced at 50: What is life like after a 32 year relationship? This blogger spills all.

Judith’s Divorce Blog Reflections on divorce, separation and associated topics by Judith Middleton, who is qualified as a solicitor and an accredited family law specialist. Interesting perspective on this topic!

Dad’s House: “A single dad’s exploits–great music taste and he talks about all aspects of life.” -Mary

Divorce Diva A humorous and sweet perspective to a difficult situation–thank goodness.

Your Child - Your Divorce: Great articles and resources about kids and family going through divorce.

Women’s Divorce Blog “Wow, a lot of really hard hitting articles and topics that are very well organized, a little bit like reading a book in pieces–good.” -Mary, 14.

Glenn Sacks “His stance is tough, but he seems to have a lot of different kinds of columns and resources about divorce!” - Nick, 19.

Darn Divorce “This is so funny, great comments and posts! I like her honesty.” -Marci, 17

Life After Divorce: New Horizons: “I like how there are really positive and uplifting articles on this blog!” -Marci

Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom:
This is a cute blog with lots of great stories.

Divorce and Your Emotional Needs

2008-10-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

As a divorce attorney, I am frequently contacted by other professionals interested in helping people experiencing divorce. Dr. Deborah Hecker offers divorce counseling. Her site www.drdeborahhecker.com provides a lot of information for those experiencing divorce. The following article is from Dr. Hecher's newsletter.

Divorce and Your Emotional Needs: What You Should Know to Survive Your Divorce
by Dr. Deborah Hecker

While a divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of an adult's life, the keys to dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood. Dr. Deb Hecker explores the similarities between developing oneself as a human being and redeveloping oneself as a newly single person. Understanding these similarities and how to better address the psychological issues of divorce can make the process easier and much less painful to endure.

Introduction

The transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as it does legal intelligence. While a divorce attorney plays a vital role, some of the most difficult impasses in divorce are based upon unresolved emotional issues, not concerns over division of assets, property, or even custody issues. At these times, focusing solely on the facts or the content of the case simply cannot break the emotional stalemate.

Most of the literature on the psychology of divorce treats divorce as the death of a relationship and focuses on the necessity of grieving that death in order to move forward as a no-longer-married person. The end of a marriage can be as traumatic as the actual death of a loved one in its capacity to wrench life apart and carve out a piece of the soul. You may have experienced this emotional chasm which Abigail Trafford in her book Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life refers to as "temporary insanity."

In order to more fully understand why divorce is such a devastating transition and why otherwise nice people behave so badly during divorce -- badly enough to inadvertently interfere in the process -- it is crucial that you have a grasp of the psychology of separation. You should understand how transitioning from being part of a couple complete with the emotional, social, and financial security that comes from being a part of a team to being single and self-reliant can create such emotional upheaval.

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person can best be described as a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond, as described by pioneering researcher, Dr. Margaret Mahler. In her groundbreaking book, The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, Mahler outlines her model of child development which can be directly applied to the interactive characteristics of a couple's relationship.

The following brief description of Mahler's theory on separation-individuation provides the framework for understanding the process through which a child must transition in order to achieve a separate identity from its mother. After exploring the mother-child dyad, we will look at how it serves as the foundation for the marital relationship and what happens when that relationship dissolves.

Child Developmental Stages

Mahler saw the infant as being born into a normal autistic phase whose primary task is to establish equilibrium outside the womb. At around two months old, the infant's sensitivity to external stimulation increases, and he moves into the symbiotic phase. The term "symbiosis" in this context is a metaphor describing the "undifferentiation" -- a fusion with the mother in which the "I" is not yet differentiated from the "not-I". According to Mahler, it is the symbiotic phase that becomes the template for all gratification, as well as empathy and love in future relationships.

At about five or six months, the differentiation phase begins, and the infant becomes more alert to his external surroundings -- exploring both the mother and the environment. Using his body, the baby learns his outer physical boundaries, thereby experiencing greater differentiation from the mother. Soon thereafter, the practicing phase begins in which the child, according to Mahler, develops a "love affair" with the world, learning to crawl and walk away from the mother. Assuming she is comfortable with this leap of autonomy, the child will successfully enter the rapprochement phase, a difficult time when the child is more ambivalent about his growing independence and begins to manifest a lot of push-pull behavior. Finally, consolidation of individuality begins to take place and all previous mother-child interactions become internalized and begin to form the basis of the child's feelings of well being and capacity for healthy future relationships.

The Marital Couple's Developmental Stages

Using Mahler's early-childhood developmental stages as a springboard, we can explore the evolution of a couple's relationship.

The first stage of couplehood, that of being "madly in love," can be likened to Mahler's second stage of infant growth -- symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is attachment. In this stage, singles begin merging lives and personalities and go through a period of intense bonding. If each person receives nurturance from the other during this stage and the agreement to form a couple is clear, the relationship will begin with a solid foundation. The partners conceptualize their relationship in terms of a fusion model; together, we shall be one. They look to each other for completion and fulfillment.

During the subsequent differentiation stage, individual differences emerge, and each partner is taken down from the pedestal and viewed more objectively. Greater boundaries are established. Disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.

Continuing the parallel with Mahler's model, the couple enters a normal period of practicing in which each participates in activities and relationships away from the other. Separateness, autonomy, and self become more important than developing the relationship. Conflicts intensify, and a healthy process for conflict resolution becomes necessary in order for the couple to maintain an emotional connection while developing themselves in the world. After each has developed a well-defined, competent identity, the couple alternates between periods of increased intimacy and efforts to reestablish independence. This rapprochement stage achieves a balance between "me" and "we". Finally, the couple reaches a stage of mutual interdependence where, ideally, two well-integrated people are individually and mutually satisfied.

Loss of Mate: The Psychology of Divorce

Inevitably, the early mother-child bond will fall short of perfectly meeting all of the child's needs and desires. Looking to one's spouse to meet these unfulfilled needs often becomes a convenient way to fill the gap in adulthood. Unconsciously, dependency is shifted from the parent to the mate who becomes the recipient of these unmet needs.

While this may appear on the surface to be a reasonable solution, it is, in fact, fraught with real problems. Left unattended, these problems can lead the couple to serious conflict, even divorce.

Let's look at a common marital dynamic. The typical couple starts off their partnership in the symbiotic phase, the fusion model, where they are both working toward oneness. What happens if one partner transitions into the differentiation or practicing phase and begins seeking greater independence, while the other remains in the symbiotic phase, still yearning for the security of the marriage and locked in the maternal fantasy role? The result is likely to be a bumpy ride with one partner seeking closeness and the other distance, creating a kind of seesaw effect. With the help of a marriage counselor, some couples can remedy this imbalance. For others, the disparity is too difficult to change, and divorce becomes the only solution.

The depth with which marital partners touch each other in their intimate lives, striving to achieve a balance between closeness and distance, must be understood in order to grasp the severity of the loss through divorce. Losing a spouse who is perceived as a protector and savior, much the same way that a parent is perceived, can be a devastating and frightening blow. When you understand divorce in the context of uprooting a deep psychological anchor from its mooring, the dramas that attend the process are much easier to comprehend.

Conclusions

Since many, if not most, individuals in the midst of divorce will find themselves feeling alone and frightened at some point, it can be very difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for them to make rational decisions that are in their own best interest. People in this vulnerable state often become dependent on their divorce attorney -- looking for someone to "take care of everything" and promise them a better life.

Fearing for your emotional survival, you may see the world through childish eyes, repeating the early behavior patterns described by Mahler. Instead of assuming that your attorney has all the answers, which he does not, you need to actively flex your independence muscles and collaborate with your attorney in constructing your future. Remember, it is your life.

In many divorces much of the time spent on the process revolves not on your legal needs but on your emotional needs resulting from the loss of your marriage. Understanding how the separation process provides ample triggers for hurt, sadness, anger and fear will help you avoid having those emotions throw up roadblocks to progress and interfere with successful legal resolution.

In some respects, matrimonial lawyers face many of the same challenges that trained psychotherapists do, but without the benefit of training in how to manage these emotions. While it is important for you to seek out a divorce attorney who can empathize with the multiple losses you are experiencing and can listen to your personal pain, it is critical that you assume responsibility for recovering from the emotional stress of your separation.

If you are overwhelmed by your feelings and find that they are affecting your ability to deal with the legal issues of divorce, it may be time to seek professional counseling. A counselor who specializes in separation and loss can help you to minimize the potentially destructive impact your emotions can have on the legal process as well as facilitate your acceptance of the divorce and your adjustment to life as an unmarried person. You must think beyond the immediate issues and work to ensure your emotional health both during and after the divorce. It's too important to leave to chance

5 Must-Tell Messages to Prepare the Kids for Your Divorce

2008-10-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

The following article is written by Rosalind Sedacca a divorced mom who shares her experiences on: www.childcentereddivorce.com . Her experiences might be useful to others in a similar situation.

One of the most difficult conversations any parent will ever have is telling their children about their pending divorce. I know first-hand because many years ago I went through the experience. I fought and faced the overwhelming emotions. The deep gut-wrenching fear. The continuous anxiety. The incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame. My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, gentle soul who loved his father and mother dearly. He certainly did not deserve this.

I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever?

How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault? How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce?

And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out? I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.

Thankfully I found that plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered that we could not readily fix, and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce. In my upcoming book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. The interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. By sharing and repeating these five points to your children in the weeks and months following the initial conversation, you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing. Here are the five must-tell messages for your children:

1) This is not your fault. Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. It is not your fault that Mom and Dad disagree about your bedtime, where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework or whether you should play soccer. We are not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.

2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents. No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain. Mon and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one else will ever be your real Dad. We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.

3) This is about change, not about blame. Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change every year. Clothing styles and hair styles keep changing. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

The change in our family is not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Instead of worrying about who’s to blame, let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure — a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?

4) Things will work out okay. We’re often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things always have a way of working out, even when we’re scared that they won’t. Divorce will be the same way. Things will be new and different for a while. We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities … some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it’s all okay. I’m okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other. That is a lot better than okay. It’s great!

5) Mom and Dad will always love you. No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it. These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

* * * * Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the upcoming ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to preparing your children — with love! The book provides expert advice which helps you to create a unique personal family storybook that guides you through this difficult transition with optimum results. Rosalind can be reached at . For free articles on child-centered divorce and a free ezine, go to: www.chilcentereddivorce.com © Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.

Washington State's Community Property Laws -- It's Not Always 50-50

2008-09-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

Many people are under the misunderstanding that community property means a 50-50 division in a divorce. While that may be true in some other community property states such as California, it is not true in Washington.

Washington law provides that property must be divided "equitably". Specifically, Washington provides:

"the Court shall, without regard to marital misconduct, make such disposition of the property and liabilities of the parties, either community or separate, as shall appear just and equitable after considering all relevant factors, including but not limited to:
1. The nature and extent of the community property
2. The nature and extent of the separate property
3. The duration of the marriage, and
4. The economic circumstances of each spouse at the time the division of the property is to become effective, including the desirability of awarding the family home or the right to live therein for reasonable periods to a spouse with whom the children reside the majority of the time." (Revised Code Of Washington 26.09.080)

Often "just and equitable" will mean a greater than 50% to a spouse who has forgone a career and does not have the ability to build retirement assets. The other surprise to some people is that separate property is considered when making this distribution.

I worry about people who believe they can do their divorce without lawyers. Particularly if one has more financial savvy than the other and perhaps also more bargaining power.

You should always at least consult with an attorney for advice in your particular situation.

PROJECT MANAGMENT OF THE DIVORCE PROCESS

2008-09-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

As an attorney focusing on cooperative divorce I find that I have to customize the process depending on the individual couple. Some couples want as little involvement in the legal process as possible while some couples want to be more pro-active and actively apply project management techniques to the process. They want some degree of control over the process but recognize the need to delegate and to seek legal and financial advice. It may be helpful for this project manager type to consider the following:

NOTE: These guidelines apply to Washington State divorces only. All states are different. Consult with an attorney in your state.

Consider alternatives to traditional divorce litigation

Couples involved in the litigation process generally completely give up control of the process and are bound by court schedules, procedural issues, formal discovery processes and the litigating attorney’s processes. If a couple agrees to cooperate on the divorce they can explore various alternatives that will keep them out of court and allow them to maintain control.
Line up your professional team
In some cases, couples are able to engage in rational discussions and have general agreement on most issues. Often these couples believe they can simply get the forms on line and process their own divorce. The first thing they find is that the forms are voluminous, confusing and most of all – very intrusive. An experienced family law attorney can save the couple considerable frustration, time and help them preserve their privacy. It is important also to engage an attorney to assist in the timing of various filings.
The couple should determine if they each need an advocate to represent their interest or if each feels strong enough to advocate for herself/himself. Each can have separate representation and still have a non-adversarial divorce. A process called “Collaborative Law” had been developed by a group of legal professionals for this very purpose. In collaborative law the couple and their respective attorneys sign an agreement that they will not engage in litigation.
After the legal team has been assembled, the couple will want to engage additional professionals. If one of the parties owns a business, they will want to have an appraisal of that business. Again, the couple can agree on one business appraiser with the instruction to provide a neutral, unbiased report. Mortgage advisors, real estate agents, financial planners and tax professionals may be part of the financial team.
Mental health professionals can serve a valuable purpose on the team. A parenting specialist can help the couple with helping their children adjust to the process and offer guidance as to individualized parenting plans. Sometimes the couple will want to engage a mental health professional to help them communicate in a more positive manner.

Determine the issues

A divorce resolution usually resolves around a key set of issues. Some will be more difficult than others. Some issues will be emotional and some can be resolved in pragmatic, non-emotional solutions. The former are generally parenting plans and the latter involve property settlement. Child support and spousal maintenance can present a little of both. Making a list of issues without offering immediate solutions will help the couple prioritize the issues. Also to be addresses would be placing a value on various assets – home and business appraisals, pension plan and retirement account assessments.

Set timelines

The only timeline imposed by the state is that a couple must wait 90 days between filing a divorce and obtaining a decree. The rest is up to the couple. It may be wise to not file any legal papers until refinance or loans have been completed. Sometimes medical insurance may be an issue. Some couples complete everything in less than a month and then merely wait for the 90 day period. More likely, it will take several months to complete all the negotiations and agreements. Timelines help set goals for accomplishing certain processes to keep everyone on track. Most couples like to start the 90 day clock by filing a petition and then work on their settlement agreements but they may have valid reasons for postponing the filing.

Gather data

A couple will need to gather information regarding assets and debts. Have they considered pension and retirement accounts? What is the value of the home and what is the mortgage balance. Has all debt been accounted for. Besides value of a business, I have had couples needing an appraisal on collectibles, horses, farm land, classic cars and once a violin. It is necessary to have all the assets and debt on the table in order to obtain an equitable division.

Don’t forget the parenting seminar

Washington State requires all parents to attend a seminar “What about the Children” before a divorce can be completed. It is frustrating to have all agreements completed and the documents executed and find that the decree cannot be entered before the parents attend the seminar. It often takes a few weeks to get a space in the seminar. Early registration is encouraged.

Go to court for the final decree

An attorney can make the final step much more efficient and time saving than an individual appearing on his own. Only one of the parties need to go in front of the judge and family law attorneys can go in without a scheduled court date and usually know the best times and places and how to avoid a long wait. The final hearing is usually over in less than five minutes and waiting time is almost always minimal.

Conclusion

The legal community has recognized the need for non-adversarial divorce, especially for couples who have been married for a longer period of time, and have accumulated a variety of assets including real estate and retirement plans. Today, a group of attorneys are now active in collaborative law, divorce mediation, cooperative divorce and some are even available to help a couple in a so-called “kitchen table” divorce where the couple does most of the negotiations themselves. An on-line search on http://www.respectfuldivorce.org/ , collaborative law sight provides many resources and several resources are also available on my web site http://www.karinquirk.com/.

So, no matter how you decide to manage your divorce process, or what role you wish to play in it, remember that there are choices. By defining your role and responsibilities, much like other project management opportunities, divorce can be a process that is easier navigated than you think.

LIFE AFTER DIVORCE – CAN BOTH PARENTS GO TO WEDDINGS, GRADUATIONS, AND BIRTHDAY PARTIES?

2008-09-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

Recently while working with a couple to end their marriage I had a sense that something was missing. Through a lot of negotiation and hard work we had developed a parenting plan, support orders and the property settlement agreement. The final divorce would be completed without engaging in litigation. But I felt something was still missing. The negotiations had taken their toll and this couple was so angry it would be impossible to be in the same room at major events in their children’s lives. I consider this a loss to both parties and a loss to their children.

How often we read in advice columns about a bride and groom conflicted because a mother insisted she would not attend the wedding if the father was there or the father would not attend college graduation or come to a birthday party if mother was present. What a disservice these parents had done to their son or daughter. Could it have been possible to have divorced differently so the future relationship could be more harmonious?

There is a growing group of divorce attorneys and marriage counselors who insist it is possible. The way a couple handle the divorce process can affect their future relationship with their children and each other. If the divorce is handled in a non-adversarial process with mutual respect the parties can move forward with their lives unburdened by the emotional baggage of a high conflict divorce.

This “respectful” divorce can be handled through mediation, collaborative law or mutual, interest-based negotiation. I categorize this type of divorce under the overall term of “cooperative divorce”.

Is a Cooperative Divorce right for you?

Choosing a cooperative divorce means that you value an approach that focuses on the needs of the entire family. If you answer "Yes" to most of the questions below, a cooperative process is right for you.

• Are you more interested in moving on with your life than in perpetuating a marital battle in court?

• Do you want to be in control of your future, including custody and financial support issues, rather than relying on a court's decision?

• Do you want your divorce to be between you and your spouse and not aired in public?

• Do you want to end the emotional battle--the anger, upset and fighting?

• Do you want to be treated with respect and dignity during your divorce process?

If you have children:

• Do you and your partner feel your children are your primary responsibility when making financial plans?

• Do you want to preserve your children's emotional health during and after the divorce?

• Do you want your children to be able to invite both their parents to all the special events in their life?

Think about your future legacy.

In a cooperative divorce the parties and the "team" focus on the future. Even adult children can be a factor. Think about what it will look like when there are grandchildren. Don't you want everyone to go to the birthday parties?

My favorite story is of a young girl who attended the final session of her parents collaborative law session. She drew a picture of her family. It was a two house family, but still a family. Think about how much brighter her future will be and think about the impact on her future relationships.

Your children’s special events will truly be special despite their parent’s divorce. You owe it to them.

DISSOLVING A MARRIAGE – AT MID-LIFE AND BEYOND

2008-09-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

When I meet people and tell them that I am a divorce lawyer, I often get comments something like: “We have been married for over 20 years; I guess we will never need your services.” Or, “We’ve been married so long, there’d be no point breaking up. Divorce is something the younger folks do.” Contrary to popular belief, mature couples divorce every day. Many of my clients have been married 20 to 30 years and even more. A significant amount are over 50 and I have even had clients over 70. The mid life and beyond divorce is not as unusual as one may think.

Privacy and Respect are important values to mature couples.

Most couples seeking to end their marriage do want to with a minimum of rancor maintaining some dignity and respect for each other. But for the mature couple, who has witnessed friends and family turn their lives upside down both emotionally and financially through expensive litigated divorces, this is even more important. They have worked hard to build an estate and are not interested in wasting their assets on a financially draining process. A recent issue of Consumer Reports points out that one of the most expensive money mistakes a person can make is “Launching a Divorce War”. This ranks as number three in the publications list of 12 biggest money mistakes.

To avoid the divorce war, mature couples are looking for solutions preserving their privacy, dividing their assets according to their individual needs and minimization of the emotional trauma that comes from closing the door on a relationship and lifestyle that has weathered many years.

There are alternatives to litigating a divorce

The legal community has recognized the need for non-adversarial divorce, especially for couples who have been married for a longer period of time, and have accumulated a variety of assets including real estate and retirement plans. Today, a group of attorneys are now active in collaborative law, divorce mediation, cooperative divorce and some are even available to help a couple in a so-called “kitchen table” divorce where the couple does most of the negotiations themselves. An on-line search on www.respectfuldivorce.com , collaborative law sight provides many resources and several resources are also available on my web site ww.karinquirk.com.

Divorce is a normal life transition

Although divorce is sad at any juncture in life, it is especially important for long term couples ending their marriage to put it in perspective. As Tim Jenkins, a family therapist in Redmond, Washington points out “The success or failure of a marriage should not be judged upon whether it ends or continues “until death do us part.” It might be better judged on how much growth it has afforded us as conscious human beings striving to connect intimately. There is nothing abnormal or blameworthy about divorce. It is to be expected. If we can help people to use this normal life transition to launch into new and richer living then we will be doing a far better service than trying to maintain relationships that don’t serve or brutally severing relationships that must end through litigation.”

Why your neighbor is wrong

2008-07-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I received another "my neighbor says" e mail. Everyone seems to be an expert on divorce because they either have been divorced, know someone who has been divorced or their hairdresser knows someone who has been divorced. There are certain myths that keep making the rounds. Even my professional family law lawyers list serve occasionally gets a question from a novice lawyer who believes some of these myths. So here goes:

Myth: A minor can choose which parent he or she lives with when he or she is 14 (or 15 or 12 or 16) The correct answer is 18 -- the age of majority in this state.

Myth: The judge will ask the kids where they want to live. Fact -- the children will never be called upon to testify and the judge does not want to talk to them. The children's preferences are heard through an intermediary, typically a Guardian ad Litem (GAL)

Myth: If you move out of the house it will be considered abandonment and you will lose all rights to the asset. Again, correct answer is NO. All assets are considered and available for division, even if the person moved out of the house.

Myth: If you have an affair you will lose custody of the children. Fact -- it is how you behave as a parent that will factor in the custody determination. (Incidentally, we no longer use the word custody, it is a parenting plan)

There are many more myths I hear and a few of them are even true. I would love to answer your questions. Either post to this blog or send me an e mail and I will answer directly or in a future posting.

Tell it to the Judge

2008-07-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

I have been making it my mission to change the way people think about divorce. I truly believe in empowering couples to dissolve their marriage in a respectful cooperative way without going to court. Most people find going to court for their family law cases to be a miserable experience. It is very public, sometimes humiliating and very intrusive. That is the reason I am actively participating in organizations that promote keeping family law cases out of court such as King County Collaborative Law, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and various mediation organizations.(www.respectfuldivorce.org , www.collaborativepractice.com , www.mediate.com )

I recently found an unlikely ally -- A Judge! Actually he is a retired Court Commissioner, (Court Commissioners hear family law cases in this state) and had been on the bench for 25 years. This judge spoke to a conference of family law attorneys promoting mediation and collaborative law. From his point of view, there are many reasons couples should consider alternative dispute resolution. In the future I hope to have him write a guest column for me but in the meantime here are some points to consider.

Judges have to consider case law as precedent -- Judges are bound by laws made by the state legislature often in response to a particular case and various previous cases that have been determined by hiqher courts. You may think your case should be an exception to those laws. The judge may even vehemently disagree with those prior cases or legislation. Judges don't make new law and will rarely find exceptions -- even if the case is argued brilliantly and the facts appear unique to you.

The Judge doesn't know the case as well as you do -- The people who have the most information about the case are the parties. They in turn translate that information to their attorneys who then translate it for the Judge who has a very short time to digest the information and make an informed decision. A lot may get lost in translation. One Judge described this to me as a pyramid with the parties at the base and the Judge at the very top. As you move up the pyramid there is less and less information. Even the experts and witnesses have only part of the story.

Add to this the fact that the courtrooms are overcrowded, Judges may be hearing many cases in one day and Judges may have their own preferences or biases. Some are open to creative solutions and some are very traditional. Most of the Judges are fair and they are competent but they are still strangers to your particular situation.

Going to court is the most expensive option available in not just money but time and emotional trauma.

Read more about options on my web site. http://www.karinquirk.com/

Respectful, Cooperative Divorce -- It is Possible

2008-05-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

Welcome to a site dedicated to changing the way people look at divorce.

As a seasoned divorce attorney I have observed the damage people do to their children and to each other when dissolving their marriage. Discussions over child custody, property division and support can become quite heated, especially considering the emotional aspects of dissolving a marriage. I truly believe there is an alternative and that a couple can end their marriage with respect and dignity. Not only is it better for their children, it is better for the individual. One can begin a new life without all the baggage of a bitter divorce!

More and more couples want to engage in a cooperative divorce but are not sure how to proceed. I have developed a model of cooperative divorce that works for many couples -- as long as they are willing to cooperate and be respectful. They don't have to agree on everything but at least be willing to talk!

My goal is to "Empower couples to dissolve their marriage in a respectful and cooperative way".

Attorneys all over the country are engaging in discussion as to how to make the process better. One alternative is to engage in a process called collaborative law. Collaborative Law divorces have a specific format. More information can be found at the web site of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. (IACP) http://www.collaborativepractice.com/ There are also local practice groups. I belong to King County Collaborative Law http://www.respectfuldivorce.org/ . These web sites provide more information and also have directories of professionals in your area.

I am interested in learning how others have handled their divorce without engaging in the well known divorce wars and to answer questions you may have about the process. I will also share stories of how my clients have faced various issues.

A local therapist offers the following quote:

"The success of a marriage should not be judged upon whether it lasts or ends but on how much growth it has afforded us."

Karin Quirk

NEGOTIATION, MEDIATION, ARBITRATION AND OTHER FORMS OF ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION FOR DIVORCE

WASHINGTON STATE DIVORCE: BEGINNING THE CASE AND FILING A PETITION

DIVORCE STORIES -- WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO YOUR LAWYER

Grandparents, Do You Know Your Rights?

Don’t Want to Hire a Lawyer for your Divorce? How About a “Legal Coach”?

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT DIVORCE, CHILD CUSTODY AND COMMUNITY PROPERTY IN WASHINGTON STATE

EXPERT HELP CRAFTING A PARENTING PLAN

Finding a Job After Taking Time Out For Kids -- I got the job! Career Services, Jill Walser Tells You How

THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE ON A BUSINESS

Parenting Specialist Margit Crane Offers Advice to Divorcing Parents

Dissolving a Marriage - At Mid-Life and Beyond

In looking for new topics to post I have been reviewing some of my previous postings and I am finding some relevant ones worth reposting. This is from September 2009 and I have added some updates.

Expert Advice Regarding Parenting and Divorce

Every now and then I like to invite guest opinions. I have been following Rosdalind Sedacca for several years and find she has very sensible advice for divorcing parents.

Parental Discord – Not Divorce – Most Damages Children!

Random Musings on Divorce and the Holidays

Who is Karin Quirk?

Is Your Divorce Too Complex to Be Cooperative?

Privacy Concerns in a Divorce

Thank You to My Loyal Clients and Friends!

Tax Tips for Divorce

What to Do About The Tea Pot Collection

Minor Children and No Will?

What is Estate Planning?

Spending Money from a Defined Contribution Plan without the 10% penalty

10 Simple Communication Strategies for Divorced Parents

How to Get A Divorce Without Going Broke

10 Things Not To Do In Your Divorce Case

I continue to find valuable information on other people's blogs. This one is especially relevant. Read and heed.

Divorce Your Spouse - Not your Children's Grandparents

Dissolve the Marriage, Save the Family

April 2009 Bar BulletinKing County Bar Association

By Karin Quirk

Don't Forget to Update Your Will and Estate Plan After Divorce

Children As Messengers And Spies During Your Divorce – Don't Go There!

What Effects of Economy Are You Seeing?

Divorce or Stay Together - a Difficult Challenge for Parents

Divore and Money -- another point of view

Tell it to the Judge

OPTIONS FOR SELLING A HOUSE WHEN YOU ARE DIVORCING

HOW IS THE ECONOMY AFFECTING DIVORCES?

The Challenge of Change - Managing Divorce Related Stress

More Resources for Divorcing Parents

Divorce and Your Emotional Needs

5 Must-Tell Messages to Prepare the Kids for Your Divorce

Washington State's Community Property Laws -- It's Not Always 50-50

PROJECT MANAGMENT OF THE DIVORCE PROCESS

LIFE AFTER DIVORCE – CAN BOTH PARENTS GO TO WEDDINGS, GRADUATIONS, AND BIRTHDAY PARTIES?

DISSOLVING A MARRIAGE – AT MID-LIFE AND BEYOND

Why your neighbor is wrong

Tell it to the Judge

Respectful, Cooperative Divorce -- It is Possible

April 2009 Bar Bulletin
King County Bar Association