Being a grandparent is a great blessing among my peers.We all celebrate the birth of new grandchildren and happily share pictures of what we know to be the cutest, brightest and sweetest children in the world.This is universal.When I traveled to China I carried a picture of my grandson.Wherever I went I could attract a friendly crowd by showing his picture.Somehow through pointing and sign language we could establish the grandmother bond.I bet we could make greater strides toward world peace and understanding if our diplomats and heads of state shared grandchildren pictures.
It saddens me greatly when I am asked by a grandparent to help him/her establish visitation with grandchildren when the grandparents are estranged from the child’s parents.It saddens me first of all that the relationship is such that the grandparents feel the need to enforce rights and it saddens me because there is little by way of law to help.
In 2000 the United States Supreme Court ruled against grandparents who wanted visitation with their two young granddaughters.The girls’ father had committed suicide and mother refused to let the children see their dad’s parents.In this Washington State case, the high court determined that unless the parent was impaired in some way, the parent was the ultimate decision maker as to the best interests of the child.Jennifer and Gary Troxel had no inherent rights of visitation.
Since then a few state courts have modified the Washington State ruling but primarily in the case of the death of one of the parents.This 2006 article in USA today summarizes some more recent cases. http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/judicial/2006-09-12-grandparents-favored_x.htmThe issue apparently has not been addressed circumstances where the parents divorced.
When parents divorce, the grandparents’ rights flow through their son or daughter.When mom or dad has parental time with the children, he/she can include the grandparents.The other parent cannot object to the children seeing their grandparents unless it can be proven that being around the grandparents would be harmful to the children.The grandparents have no independent right to visitation.To better understand this issue, it is important to view it from the parents’ perspective.Parents contend that they should have the ultimate say over who gets to see their children.
Richard Victor, a Michigan lawyer who founded the nationwide Grandparents Rights Organization in 1984, says he has not seen a surge of grandparents trying to go to court.Such lawsuits can take years and tens of thousands of dollars in fees to resolve, he says. "The law in still in flux. It's better to get people to talk to each other, rather than sue each other."
The best advice I can give to grandparents is to get along with the grandchildren’s parents.
Consulting with a lawyer can be a huge step for some people when they are contemplating divorce. Seeing a lawyer makes it far too real. Seeing a need, I developed a program for those who don't want to hire a lawyer. At least not yet. Do you identify with any of the following?
Harriet is unhappy in her marriage but has a lot of fear about what the future would look like for her. Her therapist suggested she get some legal advice.
Larry has been researching on line for months now regarding divorce.He has found forms that are confusing, legal advice that doesn’t seem to apply to his case, he even found a child support calculator but it doesn’t seem to fit his case.Larry does not want to hire a lawyer
Martha and her husband have been working with a divorce mediator but she feels she has not been given enough legal advice and wants to know what would be legitimate requests to make without having to involve another lawyer.
Tom is a whiz and investments and finances but neither his CPA or investment advisor can give him satisfactory answers to tax implications of divorce.His financial advisor told him to get legal advice.
Bob is president of his company and is worried about the effect of a divorce on his business.Before he makes a decision, he needs to know what he can expect and how can he determine how his business will be evaluated.
Sally and her husband have fashioned a settlement agreement but her friends and relatives are warning her that she may be missing something.Sally doesn’t want to involve a lawyer but her friends are insisting she talk to one.
Don really wants to move out of the house for a “trial separation” but fears he will be accused of abandonment and will lose his rights to property or parenting. His coworkers have advised him to talk to a lawyer first.
Mary needs some legal advice but feels hiring a divorce lawyer is just too big a step. Besides all the ones she has talked to seem to be trying to sell her their services. She wants objective advice.
In my ever evolving effort to find ways to help people going through or contemplating divorce I experiment with different programs I can offer.A solution for Harriet, Larry and the others just might be a package I call “Legal Coaching”.
For a flat fee I offer a legal coaching session dedicated to the individuals needs.I can explain the legal process, show a client what the forms look like and give them a timeline.I can run child support calculations, discuss support and parenting issues.I give an unbiased assessment of their situation.The fee is about equivalent to my hourly rate but I don’t turn on a timer.Most sessions run from one to one and a half hours, sometimes longer.We take as long as we need for that session.During the session I might even refer the person to a different lawyer that I think would be more appropriate for their situation.
In an earlier day I would be known for my golden rolodex.Now it’s an electronic database.I have given referrals for parenting specialists, divorce financial planners, real estate agents and mortgage brokers.I have pointed people in the right direction for career advice, personal growth and even professional organizers.My network even includes a collision repair specialist but that’s a different story.
The benefit to legal coaching is that the advice is completely unbiased.I can assess a client’s case honestly without concern whether that person may not hire me if I tell them what they don’t want to hear.The client’s have paid for the time and don’t have to worry that they are wasting my time because they do not plan to hire me.A client can come back for more coaching at anytime – completely on his/her timeline.The coaching fee can also be applied to payment for full representation.Kind of rent before you buy.
A legal coaching session is different than the introductory session a client might want before making a hiring decision.That meeting is more a matter of seeing if our personalities fit and, given the facts of the case, if I am the right lawyer for them and they are the right client for me.Legal coaching is much more in depth.
So far I have had several people take advantage of the legal coaching model and I see it evolving further as a very viable product for some people.I will continue to develop more products and most likely add some hand outs.My clients will be my best teachers as I develop this concept.
If you have minor children you definitely should have a will. Parents I talk to say they've been meaning to get around to it, they can't afford it, or don't see why they need one because they have no "estate". I have added estate planning to my practice to counter these very arguments. My intention is to make it affordable and easy to take care of this important matter.
If you have life insurance, and you should, your children will have an estate.
Here are the provisions you should have in your will.
Guardian of a minor child
A guardian is the person you designate to take care of your children if both parents are dead. If a parent dies the other parent automatically is the guardian. Even if the parents are divorced the children would go with the other parent unless a court has found something seriously wrong with that parent. While you can state your preference in your will, the other parent has precedence.
The designated guardian should be someone you feel will raise your children with the same values you would. Some parents make a mutual pact with another family to serve as guardians for their children. If you don't have a will, the state will make a determination. You don't want to risk having your children with Child Protective Services until a guardian is selected.
If your chosen guardian lives far away you might want to appoint a temporary or interim guardian. This could be a neighbor or close friend who will step in immediately until the permanent guardian can be reached and is available.
The guardian of the person might not be the person who will manage the children's money. I strongly recomend a different person as the trustee of the children's estate.
Trustee of the Children's Estate
The trustee manages the funds and property you have willed to your children. This can be a large sum if you have life insurance. This is the relative who is good with managing money, a very trusted friend, or a professional trustee. The trustee will disburse funds to the guardian for the care, feeding and education of your children.
By naming a separate trustee and guardian you provide a good check and balance. The nurturing substitute parent you select may not be the best money manager and the best money manager may not be the best nurturing parent. This provides balance and protects the guardian from being questioned as to what happened to the money.
If you are divorced: It is even more important that you name a trustee. If you don't, your ex spouse will be in charge of the children's estate. Probably not what you would prefer.
A Children's Trust
Your will should provide for a trust for the children. Besides naming a trustee, you can designate an age when your children will receive the disbursement. Remember there may be a large sum of money if you have life insurance. Most parents I meet don't want the funds disbursed at age 18, which it will be unless you make other provisions. Some parents designate age 25, some 35 with provisions for partial disbursements at certain ages. The money can be spent on education, and other expenses for the children. Your trustee should have a great deal of discretion but has the power to say no, just as you do.
Get a Will Now
Hopefully I have given you enough reason to get a will. You really should work with a lawyer to make sure your will accomplishes what you intend and that it is effective. I would be happy to discuss options with you.
I have been following Rosalind Sedacca's posting for some time and find that she has good advice for divorcing parents. As a grandmother I very much appreciate this one. I am often asked about "grandparent's rights" -- Sadly the United States Supreme Court has ruled that there is no such thing. All rights flow through the parents.
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
When parents divorce, each member of the family is affected in very unique and personal ways. The age of the child, their gender, their relationship with their siblings, how close they were to each parent and a myriad of other factors all influence the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual repercussions in the months and years ahead.
There re many others whose lives are forever changed by the complexities of divorce. Frequently overlooked and often tragically scarred are the grandparents. Custody issues are hard enough for parents to battle out. Few take into account the consequences for grandparents whose unconditional love for their grandchildren is such a healthy and rewarding part of normal family life.
Once again this is a time for clear thinking on behalf of your children. Should they be deprived of the warmth, intimacy and loving support of grandparents just because you are angry at your former spouse? When you take out your marital frustrations on your in-laws -- your children's grandparents -- it's your children who will suffer.
Grandparents have a special place in the lives and hearts of their grandchildren. Usually they are the ones to spoil the kids, indulge them, take them off your hands when no one else can come to the rescue. Of course, not all grandparents fit the idyllic stereotype, nor are all grandparents emotionally close to their grandchildren. But if your in-laws have a healthy relationship with your children, think long and hard before severing that chord.
A child-centered divorce honors and respects all the adults and children that play a part in your children's lives. One of the primary factors in easing your children through the challenges of separation or divorce is maintaining their lives as closely as possible to their pre-divorce routines. The less disruption in their schedules, day-to-day and month-to-month activities, the easier will be their transition through divorce and beyond.
Spending time with grandma and grandpa, whether every Sunday, once a month or once a year over Christmas or summer vacation, is a routine that means life is going on with some semblance of safety, security and ease. Consider the consequences before interrupting or sabotaging that relationship. Don't deny your children the support system they have come to love and depend upon out of spite, resentment or any other motive not of relevance to your children.
Divorce is tough all around. It behooves you to do the right thing every step of the way. Seek out professional guidance if you need help regarding decisions affecting your children. Let those decisions be motivated by your love for your children - not by your resentment against those who love your children, as well.
* * * Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com
This came into my in box this morning and I thought it would be of interest to divorced or divorcing parents. The book is available on Amazon.com. I haven't read it and don't know the author but I pass it along as good information.
By Mike Mastracci
When there is ongoing custody conflict, children should rarely be asked to relay messages to their other parent. Asking a child to carry messages is yet another lose-lose proposition. By asking your child to be a messenger you do nothing to improve your parental communication skills with the other parent. Furthermore, you place your child directly in the middle of an area already ripe for a communication meltdown. Even a seemingly simple and benevolent message can lead to chaos.
Here's an example that may sound familiar: "Tell your father that we have plans on Friday night so he can pick you up on Saturday at 10 a.m. instead of Friday at 6 p.m."
In a case like this, Mom may be pretending, or even genuinely believing, that she is doing a good deed by giving Dad advance notice and avoiding any confrontation between the two of them over this issue. Either way, she is WRONG!
Let's look at the potential pitfalls in this one simple scenario:
The child forgets (or because of the desire to avoid conflict pretends to forget), and the result is that Dad shows up on Friday night and no one is home.
The child tells Dad, as instructed by Mom, and Dad blows a fuse. The result is a bad transition time for father and child.
Dad says, "When you go back to your Mother's, tell her that I will be there as scheduled," and the child forgets (or pretends to forget) to deliver the message to avoid any more conflict.
The child feels apprehensive, doesn't want to hurt Dad's feelings, and is upset with Mom for "causing" this dilemma.
Dad says, "Tell your Mom that you'd better be there on Friday night as planned or I'll (call the police, call my lawyer, file contempt proceedings...)." – You fill in the blank.
It's Friday night, Mom wants the child to go to the planned event, and the child is apprehensive about going because of the situation; the child is expecting Dad to show up and "cause a scene." They leave before Dad's scheduled time just in case. The next morning there is a bad exchange between the parents in front of the child.
When Dad arrives on Saturday the child may get the third degree about what plans were "so important." Dad bad-mouthing Mom then becomes more likely.
Questions like what, where, when, why, what time, and who was there, may potentially consume the transition time between homes.
What if Dad had special plans for Friday night that the child would have really enjoyed?
All of this headache and heartache can be avoided when parents act like grown-ups and do their own communicating. There is almost never a reason for your children to act as go-betweens. It can be avoided with a little effort and some creative maneuvering. When you allow yourself to use your children as messengers, you're really placing responsibility on them that belongs to you. Don't load your children down with your own burdens. Don't make life easier for yourself by making it more complicated for them.
If treating your children as messengers isn't bad enough, it is really inappropriate to use them as "spies". When children are told to report on the activities of the other parent, it places the children in a no-win situation. Even worse, using your children as spies has other negative consequences. It promotes lying and deceit. Encouraging spying promotes picking sides. It also creates loyalty conflicts for your children. As a result, children may clam up, become untruthful, or untrustworthy.
It can be difficult to break the habit of inappropriately questioning your children after they return from time spent with the other parent, but it must be done. A little child-focused thinking should get you there. Think about how it feels for your children to transition from one home to the other. When they return to you, they want to know you're happy to see them and that you're focused on them. Interrogation does not start your transition time off on a good note, and it makes children very uncomfortable whether they outwardly show it or not. Furthermore, if your children are worried that they'll have to "report" to you, transition time will be awkward for them. Instead of focusing on how your children have already spent their time, focus on how you’re going to spend your time with them.
Obviously, there are some common-sense exceptions. Real and legitimate safety or health issues fall into that category. But that's not what I'm talking about in this article, I'm talking about when you want to know whether Daddy's new girlfriend went to the zoo with them. Don't make a situation such as this even more complicated for your children. They'll tell you what they want to tell you, and they'll be a whole lot more likely to do so when you don't give them the third degree or send them to purposely spy.
Children are smarter than you think. Simple communication designed to surreptitiously interrogate the children is not going to work for long. They will try desperately to exercise their right to remain silent. The reason they will do this is because they know that anything they say can and will generally be used against them - in one way or another! Again, the key is to focus on the life you and your children live together and enjoy every moment of it.
This is just one article that is similar to the information you will find in my new book, "Stop Fighting Over the Kids:Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations"
Here is an article I found by an Alabama attorney written a few years ago but still relevant. Although Mr. Shaw practices in Alabama, the information is not state specific and is useful to people getting a divorce in Washington State This article and similar information may be found at www.divorcenet.com Keep in mind that not all information on this site is applicable in Washington State.
"Our culture is full of clichés about change. They are repeated to us from the time we are children, and become ingrained into our vocabulary. We tend to pay good lip service to the idea that when change happens in our lives, we will be ready for its challenges. However, we are often not as well prepared for the challenge change presents as we think we are. More often than not, that challenge is stress. Whether the change is good or bad, hard or easy, voluntary or forced upon us, there is an inherent level of stress in every change we face. Nowhere is that more evident than in the challenges and changes put upon a person and a family by the dissolution of a marriage.
Our firm deals with people every day who are trying to manage varying degrees of stress related to the changes brought about by divorce. Through my own family experience, I know how those changes can effect every family member with varying degrees of stress. Divorce can be the complete destruction of all stability for one party and the opening of a door to a greater sense of peace for another. The reasons divorce occurs vary and each situation is unique to itself. From the most amicable uncontested divorce to the most hotly contested custody dispute, stress is the common factor. How the parties deal with stress determines how healthy the change can be, and how the parties will be able to deal with the changes divorce brings about.
I am very fortunate in my practice to have the opportunity to work with a number of professionals in various fields that deal with the challenges people face while going through a divorce. Through my experience, I have compiled a list of suggestions that I share with my clients regarding ways they can deal with stress. Taking these steps will not totally remove the stress brought about by divorce. Hopefully, it will help make this time of incredible change a process of growth and learning, so that those going through it will come out healthy and whole.
SEEK EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: Unlike any other area of the law, family law deals with some of the most raw and personal issues a family can face. Many different emotions and feelings will rise – from anger, regret, fear, despair, anxiety, frustration, and distrust to feelings of relief and new beginning. All the emotions are real, and all the feelings a person has are valid. It is how those emotions and feelings are dealt with that will determine how a person survives a divorce. Whether it is a pastor, support group, close friend, counselor or therapist, I recommend to my clients that they find a “safe place” or person to confide in to help work through these emotional times. Do not try to go it alone, and do not try to keep these emotions and feelings bottled up – more often than not that leads to a more difficult time in working through the divorce process.
It does not matter whether you are the one who wants the divorce or not. I had one counselor tell me that the person who realizes that a separation in the marriage is necessary often looses the support of those around him or her, no matter how correct that decision may be. Seek the support of others, and look to counseling when needed. There is no stigma in needing help going through a divorce. Keep your children in mind as well – they are facing the changes and stresses with you, and their emotions and feelings are just as real and valid. With the right assistance, you and your family can make it through these very challenging and difficult emotional times.
PRAYER/SPIRITUALITY: I have found that for many people, going through a divorce can be one of the greatest challenges of faith they will ever face. It can also be one of the times of greatest spiritual growth. I am not advocating any particular religion or religious practice. However, I do recommend that you put faith and spiritual well being at the forefront of your concerns while going through a divorce. You should meditate, pray, or seek the guidance of a pastor, priest or rabbi. Change comes about in our lives. Allowing this change to work a positive spiritual effect in your life can help you to learn from the situation, grow as a person, and be healthier when the process of change is complete.
SEEK LEGAL COUNSEL: A divorce not only presents emotional challenges and stresses – it is a legal proceeding that requires special attention to the particulars of your individual situation. Our laws require that certain burdens be met and presented in specific ways before a court can grant a divorce. Calculation of child support, asset and debt division and property settlement all have areas of particularity that must be addressed. I have watched individuals who have tried to represent themselves have their case dismissed because they have not met the requirements our laws put in place to insure that the divorce process is not abused. I have watched them walk away from the bench discouraged and having to start the process over, increasing the stress of the situation. Assistance from expert legal counsel can help relieve some of that stress.
The most important aspect in choosing a lawyer is finding someone with whom you feel comfortable. The attorney-client relationship is important, and you must feel that your attorney has the ability to protect your interests, advocate your position, and understand your concerns. You must find a lawyer who you trust, because you will need to share some of the most intimate details of your life with your lawyer. You must be able to work as a team. If that type of working relationship can be established, the process can work smoothly, and some stress may be relieved.
SEEK FINANCIAL GUIDANCE: One of the greatest challenges, and consequently greatest causes of stress in a divorce, is handling the financial change. Often the parties go from a two-income household to two one-income households, with mirroring expenses. Dividing financial assets, bank accounts, retirement funds and the like can unravel the most well devised financial plan. Parties may come out of the process with debt loads that they never anticipated. The payment of child and spousal support combined with other financial obligations can leave your budget reeling. Tax consequences can be enormous. If you have an accountant or financial advisor, talk with them about the effects of the divorce on your financial situation. Let your attorney know who your accountant or financial professionals are, so that they can work together as team to protect your financial interests and design a financial plan to achieve your goals.
LEARN FROM THE CHANGE: One of the best pieces of advice I have heard from a family counselor is that if the second marriage is a success, the first was not a failure. A divorce allows a person an opportunity to reevaluate where he or she is in life, what expectations he or she has in marriage, and what are his or her personal goals. Often, the factors that led to the breakdown of the marriage can provide the building blocks for stronger foundations in future relationships. No matter what the cause of the separation, learn from the changes and challenges you have been presented. Learn how to communicate and understand your emotions. Learn positive ways to deal with change, stress and feelings. Learn new skills as a parent, partner and friend. Adjust to the changes presented and take this unique opportunity to grow from the challenges and stresses the divorce has raised.
Going through a divorce may not have been your choice, or there may have seen no other alternative. Let this be a time for change that leads to personal growth and self-exploration. Take the lessons the process presents and apply them to your life. Begin to rebuild and know that with support, prayer, appropriate advice, planning and self-awareness, you can take this difficult and stressful challenge and not only survive, but become a better parent, friend, partner and person. You can meet the challenge of change. Reach out to those around you, find the support you need, and you will be successful."
Many resources come across my desk as a family law attorney. These web sites seem interesting although I have not reviewed each one. These comments come from the following site www.onteenstoday.com
Child Centered Divorce Rosalind Sedacca is very active in educating parents about divorce. Her website, “Child-Centered Divorce,” helps parents minimize the emotional trauma for children whose parents are going through a divorce.
Divorce@Suite101 Lots of great resources here with celebrity contributors!
Attachment Parenting Blog Great Dad perspective with three children, 11, 8 and 4, which is a discussion venue for topics relating to single parenting, divorce, fatherhood.
Gabriel Cheong Law “This blog is really great, videos, interesting articles and I am sure very helpful legal advice for sticky situations divorced families get into.” -Nick, 19
Divorced at 50: What is life like after a 32 year relationship? This blogger spills all.
Judith’s Divorce BlogReflections on divorce, separation and associated topics by Judith Middleton, who is qualified as a solicitor and an accredited family law specialist. Interesting perspective on this topic!
Dad’s House: “A single dad’s exploits–great music taste and he talks about all aspects of life.” -Mary
Divorce Diva A humorous and sweet perspective to a difficult situation–thank goodness.
Your Child - Your Divorce: Great articles and resources about kids and family going through divorce.
Women’s Divorce Blog “Wow, a lot of really hard hitting articles and topics that are very well organized, a little bit like reading a book in pieces–good.” -Mary, 14.
Glenn Sacks “His stance is tough, but he seems to have a lot of different kinds of columns and resources about divorce!” - Nick, 19.
Darn Divorce“This is so funny, great comments and posts! I like her honesty.” -Marci, 17
The following article is written by Rosalind Sedacca a divorced mom who shares her experiences on: www.childcentereddivorce.com . Her experiences might be useful to others in a similar situation.
One of the most difficult conversations any parent will ever have is telling their children about their pending divorce. I know first-hand because many years ago I went through the experience. I fought and faced the overwhelming emotions. The deep gut-wrenching fear. The continuous anxiety. The incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame. My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, gentle soul who loved his father and mother dearly. He certainly did not deserve this.
I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever?
How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault? How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce?
And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out? I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.
Thankfully I found that plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered that we could not readily fix, and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce. In my upcoming book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. The interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. By sharing and repeating these five points to your children in the weeks and months following the initial conversation, you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing. Here are the five must-tell messages for your children:
1) This is not your fault. Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. It is not your fault that Mom and Dad disagree about your bedtime, where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework or whether you should play soccer. We are not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.
2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents. No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain. Mon and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one else will ever be your real Dad. We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.
3) This is about change, not about blame. Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change every year. Clothing styles and hair styles keep changing. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.
The change in our family is not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Instead of worrying about who’s to blame, let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure — a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?
4) Things will work out okay. We’re often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things always have a way of working out, even when we’re scared that they won’t. Divorce will be the same way. Things will be new and different for a while. We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities … some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it’s all okay. I’m okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other. That is a lot better than okay. It’s great!
5) Mom and Dad will always love you. No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it. These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.
As an attorney focusing on cooperative divorce I find that I have to customize the process depending on the individual couple. Some couples want as little involvement in the legal process as possible while some couples want to be more pro-active and actively apply project management techniques to the process. They want some degree of control over the process but recognize the need to delegate and to seek legal and financial advice. It may be helpful for this project manager type to consider the following:
NOTE: These guidelines apply to Washington State divorces only. All states are different. Consult with an attorney in your state.
Consider alternatives to traditional divorce litigation
Couples involved in the litigation process generally completely give up control of the process and are bound by court schedules, procedural issues, formal discovery processes and the litigating attorney’s processes. If a couple agrees to cooperate on the divorce they can explore various alternatives that will keep them out of court and allow them to maintain control. Line up your professional team In some cases, couples are able to engage in rational discussions and have general agreement on most issues. Often these couples believe they can simply get the forms on line and process their own divorce. The first thing they find is that the forms are voluminous, confusing and most of all – very intrusive. An experienced family law attorney can save the couple considerable frustration, time and help them preserve their privacy. It is important also to engage an attorney to assist in the timing of various filings. The couple should determine if they each need an advocate to represent their interest or if each feels strong enough to advocate for herself/himself. Each can have separate representation and still have a non-adversarial divorce. A process called “Collaborative Law” had been developed by a group of legal professionals for this very purpose. In collaborative law the couple and their respective attorneys sign an agreement that they will not engage in litigation. After the legal team has been assembled, the couple will want to engage additional professionals. If one of the parties owns a business, they will want to have an appraisal of that business. Again, the couple can agree on one business appraiser with the instruction to provide a neutral, unbiased report. Mortgage advisors, real estate agents, financial planners and tax professionals may be part of the financial team. Mental health professionals can serve a valuable purpose on the team. A parenting specialist can help the couple with helping their children adjust to the process and offer guidance as to individualized parenting plans. Sometimes the couple will want to engage a mental health professional to help them communicate in a more positive manner.
Determine the issues
A divorce resolution usually resolves around a key set of issues. Some will be more difficult than others. Some issues will be emotional and some can be resolved in pragmatic, non-emotional solutions. The former are generally parenting plans and the latter involve property settlement. Child support and spousal maintenance can present a little of both. Making a list of issues without offering immediate solutions will help the couple prioritize the issues. Also to be addresses would be placing a value on various assets – home and business appraisals, pension plan and retirement account assessments.
Set timelines
The only timeline imposed by the state is that a couple must wait 90 days between filing a divorce and obtaining a decree. The rest is up to the couple. It may be wise to not file any legal papers until refinance or loans have been completed. Sometimes medical insurance may be an issue. Some couples complete everything in less than a month and then merely wait for the 90 day period. More likely, it will take several months to complete all the negotiations and agreements. Timelines help set goals for accomplishing certain processes to keep everyone on track. Most couples like to start the 90 day clock by filing a petition and then work on their settlement agreements but they may have valid reasons for postponing the filing.
Gather data
A couple will need to gather information regarding assets and debts. Have they considered pension and retirement accounts? What is the value of the home and what is the mortgage balance. Has all debt been accounted for. Besides value of a business, I have had couples needing an appraisal on collectibles, horses, farm land, classic cars and once a violin. It is necessary to have all the assets and debt on the table in order to obtain an equitable division.
Don’t forget the parenting seminar
Washington State requires all parents to attend a seminar “What about the Children” before a divorce can be completed. It is frustrating to have all agreements completed and the documents executed and find that the decree cannot be entered before the parents attend the seminar. It often takes a few weeks to get a space in the seminar. Early registration is encouraged.
Go to court for the final decree
An attorney can make the final step much more efficient and time saving than an individual appearing on his own. Only one of the parties need to go in front of the judge and family law attorneys can go in without a scheduled court date and usually know the best times and places and how to avoid a long wait. The final hearing is usually over in less than five minutes and waiting time is almost always minimal.
Conclusion
The legal community has recognized the need for non-adversarial divorce, especially for couples who have been married for a longer period of time, and have accumulated a variety of assets including real estate and retirement plans. Today, a group of attorneys are now active in collaborative law, divorce mediation, cooperative divorce and some are even available to help a couple in a so-called “kitchen table” divorce where the couple does most of the negotiations themselves. An on-line search on http://www.respectfuldivorce.org/ , collaborative law sight provides many resources and several resources are also available on my web site http://www.karinquirk.com/.
So, no matter how you decide to manage your divorce process, or what role you wish to play in it, remember that there are choices. By defining your role and responsibilities, much like other project management opportunities, divorce can be a process that is easier navigated than you think.
This morning I received another "my neighbor says" e mail. Everyone seems to be an expert on divorce because they either have been divorced, know someone who has been divorced or their hairdresser knows someone who has been divorced. There are certain myths that keep making the rounds. Even my professional family law lawyers list serve occasionally gets a question from a novice lawyer who believes some of these myths. So here goes:
Myth: A minor can choose which parent he or she lives with when he or she is 14 (or 15 or 12 or 16) The correct answer is 18 -- the age of majority in this state.
Myth: The judge will ask the kids where they want to live. Fact -- the children will never be called upon to testify and the judge does not want to talk to them. The children's preferences are heard through an intermediary, typically a Guardian ad Litem (GAL)
Myth: If you move out of the house it will be considered abandonment and you will lose all rights to the asset. Again, correct answer is NO. All assets are considered and available for division, even if the person moved out of the house.
Myth: If you have an affair you will lose custody of the children. Fact -- it is how you behave as a parent that will factor in the custody determination. (Incidentally, we no longer use the word custody, it is a parenting plan)
There are many more myths I hear and a few of them are even true. I would love to answer your questions. Either post to this blog or send me an e mail and I will answer directly or in a future posting.
I have been making it my mission to change the way people think about divorce. I truly believe in empowering couples to dissolve their marriage in a respectful cooperative way without going to court. Most people find going to court for their family law cases to be a miserable experience. It is very public, sometimes humiliating and very intrusive. That is the reason I am actively participating in organizations that promote keeping family law cases out of court such as King County Collaborative Law, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and various mediation organizations.(www.respectfuldivorce.org , www.collaborativepractice.com , www.mediate.com )
I recently found an unlikely ally -- A Judge! Actually he is a retired Court Commissioner, (Court Commissioners hear family law cases in this state) and had been on the bench for 25 years. This judge spoke to a conference of family law attorneys promoting mediation and collaborative law. From his point of view, there are many reasons couples should consider alternative dispute resolution. In the future I hope to have him write a guest column for me but in the meantime here are some points to consider.
Judges have to consider case law as precedent -- Judges are bound by laws made by the state legislature often in response to a particular case and various previous cases that have been determined by hiqher courts. You may think your case should be an exception to those laws. The judge may even vehemently disagree with those prior cases or legislation. Judges don't make new law and will rarely find exceptions -- even if the case is argued brilliantly and the facts appear unique to you.
The Judge doesn't know the case as well as you do -- The people who have the most information about the case are the parties. They in turn translate that information to their attorneys who then translate it for the Judge who has a very short time to digest the information and make an informed decision. A lot may get lost in translation. One Judge described this to me as a pyramid with the parties at the base and the Judge at the very top. As you move up the pyramid there is less and less information. Even the experts and witnesses have only part of the story.
Add to this the fact that the courtrooms are overcrowded, Judges may be hearing many cases in one day and Judges may have their own preferences or biases. Some are open to creative solutions and some are very traditional. Most of the Judges are fair and they are competent but they are still strangers to your particular situation.
Going to court is the most expensive option available in not just money but time and emotional trauma.
