Divorce Your Spouse - Not your Children's Grandparents

I have been following Rosalind Sedacca's posting for some time and find that she has good advice for divorcing parents. As a grandmother I very much appreciate this one. I am often asked about "grandparent's rights" -- Sadly the United States Supreme Court has ruled that there is no such thing. All rights flow through the parents.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

When parents divorce, each member of the family is affected in very unique and personal ways. The age of the child, their gender, their relationship with their siblings, how close they were to each parent and a myriad of other factors all influence the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual repercussions in the months and years ahead.

There re many others whose lives are forever changed by the complexities of divorce. Frequently overlooked and often tragically scarred are the grandparents. Custody issues are hard enough for parents to battle out. Few take into account the consequences for grandparents whose unconditional love for their grandchildren is such a healthy and rewarding part of normal family life.

Once again this is a time for clear thinking on behalf of your children. Should they be deprived of the warmth, intimacy and loving support of grandparents just because you are angry at your former spouse? When you take out your marital frustrations on your in-laws -- your children's grandparents -- it's your children who will suffer.

Grandparents have a special place in the lives and hearts of their grandchildren. Usually they are the ones to spoil the kids, indulge them, take them off your hands when no one else can come to the rescue. Of course, not all grandparents fit the idyllic stereotype, nor are all grandparents emotionally close to their grandchildren. But if your in-laws have a healthy relationship with your children, think long and hard before severing that chord.

A child-centered divorce honors and respects all the adults and children that play a part in your children's lives. One of the primary factors in easing your children through the challenges of separation or divorce is maintaining their lives as closely as possible to their pre-divorce routines. The less disruption in their schedules, day-to-day and month-to-month activities, the easier will be their transition through divorce and beyond.

Spending time with grandma and grandpa, whether every Sunday, once a month or once a year over Christmas or summer vacation, is a routine that means life is going on with some semblance of safety, security and ease. Consider the consequences before interrupting or sabotaging that relationship. Don't deny your children the support system they have come to love and depend upon out of spite, resentment or any other motive not of relevance to your children.

Divorce is tough all around. It behooves you to do the right thing every step of the way. Seek out professional guidance if you need help regarding decisions affecting your children. Let those decisions be motivated by your love for your children - not by your resentment against those who love your children, as well.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids ... about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide^(TM) to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

Children As Messengers And Spies During Your Divorce – Don't Go There!

This came into my in box this morning and I thought it would be of interest to divorced or divorcing parents. The book is available on Amazon.com. I haven't read it and don't know the author but I pass it along as good information.

By Mike Mastracci

When there is ongoing custody conflict, children should rarely be asked to relay messages to their other parent. Asking a child to carry messages is yet another lose-lose proposition. By asking your child to be a messenger you do nothing to improve your parental communication skills with the other parent. Furthermore, you place your child directly in the middle of an area already ripe for a communication meltdown. Even a seemingly simple and benevolent message can lead to chaos.

Here's an example that may sound familiar: "Tell your father that we have plans on Friday night so he can pick you up on Saturday at 10 a.m. instead of Friday at 6 p.m."

In a case like this, Mom may be pretending, or even genuinely believing, that she is doing a good deed by giving Dad advance notice and avoiding any confrontation between the two of them over this issue. Either way, she is WRONG!

Let's look at the potential pitfalls in this one simple scenario:

• The child forgets (or because of the desire to avoid conflict pretends to forget), and the result is that Dad shows up on Friday night and no one is home.
  
  
• The child tells Dad, as instructed by Mom, and Dad blows a fuse. The result is a bad transition time for father and child.
  
  
• Dad says, "When you go back to your Mother's, tell her that I will be there as scheduled," and the child forgets (or pretends to forget) to deliver the message to avoid any more conflict.
  
  
• The child feels apprehensive, doesn't want to hurt Dad's feelings, and is upset with Mom for "causing" this dilemma.
  
  
• Dad says, "Tell your Mom that you'd better be there on Friday night as planned or I'll (call the police, call my lawyer, file contempt proceedings...)." – You fill in the blank.
  
  
• It's Friday night, Mom wants the child to go to the planned event, and the child is apprehensive about going because of the situation; the child is expecting Dad to show up and "cause a scene." They leave before Dad's scheduled time just in case. The next morning there is a bad exchange between the parents in front of the child.
  
  
• When Dad arrives on Saturday the child may get the third degree about what plans were "so important." Dad bad-mouthing Mom then becomes more likely.
  
  
• Questions like what, where, when, why, what time, and who was there, may potentially consume the transition time between homes.
  
  
• What if Dad had special plans for Friday night that the child would have really enjoyed?
  
  

All of this headache and heartache can be avoided when parents act like grown-ups and do their own communicating. There is almost never a reason for your children to act as go-betweens. It can be avoided with a little effort and some creative maneuvering. When you allow yourself to use your children as messengers, you're really placing responsibility on them that belongs to you. Don't load your children down with your own burdens. Don't make life easier for yourself by making it more complicated for them.

If treating your children as messengers isn't bad enough, it is really inappropriate to use them as "spies". When children are told to report on the activities of the other parent, it places the children in a no-win situation. Even worse, using your children as spies has other negative consequences. It promotes lying and deceit. Encouraging spying promotes picking sides. It also creates loyalty conflicts for your children. As a result, children may clam up, become untruthful, or untrustworthy.

It can be difficult to break the habit of inappropriately questioning your children after they return from time spent with the other parent, but it must be done. A little child-focused thinking should get you there. Think about how it feels for your children to transition from one home to the other. When they return to you, they want to know you're happy to see them and that you're focused on them. Interrogation does not start your transition time off on a good note, and it makes children very uncomfortable whether they outwardly show it or not. Furthermore, if your children are worried that they'll have to "report" to you, transition time will be awkward for them. Instead of focusing on how your children have already spent their time, focus on how you’re going to spend your time with them.

Obviously, there are some common-sense exceptions. Real and legitimate safety or health issues fall into that category. But that's not what I'm talking about in this article, I'm talking about when you want to know whether Daddy's new girlfriend went to the zoo with them. Don't make a situation such as this even more complicated for your children. They'll tell you what they want to tell you, and they'll be a whole lot more likely to do so when you don't give them the third degree or send them to purposely spy.

Children are smarter than you think. Simple communication designed to surreptitiously interrogate the children is not going to work for long. They will try desperately to exercise their right to remain silent. The reason they will do this is because they know that anything they say can and will generally be used against them - in one way or another! Again, the key is to focus on the life you and your children live together and enjoy every moment of it.

This is just one article that is similar to the information you will find in my new book, "Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations"

Available at Amazon.com

More Resources for Divorcing Parents

Many resources come across my desk as a family law attorney. These web sites seem interesting although I have not reviewed each one. These comments come from the following site www.onteenstoday.com

Child Centered Divorce Rosalind Sedacca is very active in educating parents about divorce. Her website, “Child-Centered Divorce,” helps parents minimize the emotional trauma for children whose parents are going through a divorce.

Divorce@Suite101 Lots of great resources here with celebrity contributors!

Attachment Parenting Blog Great Dad perspective with three children, 11, 8 and 4, which is a discussion venue for topics relating to single parenting, divorce, fatherhood.

Gabriel Cheong Law “This blog is really great, videos, interesting articles and I am sure very helpful legal advice for sticky situations divorced families get into.” -Nick, 19

Single Parent Survival Guide this is a great blog by Cliff Carlton, posts are spread about, but really useful!

Divorced at 50: What is life like after a 32 year relationship? This blogger spills all.

Judith’s Divorce Blog Reflections on divorce, separation and associated topics by Judith Middleton, who is qualified as a solicitor and an accredited family law specialist. Interesting perspective on this topic!

Dad’s House: “A single dad’s exploits–great music taste and he talks about all aspects of life.” -Mary

Divorce Diva A humorous and sweet perspective to a difficult situation–thank goodness.

Your Child - Your Divorce: Great articles and resources about kids and family going through divorce.

Women’s Divorce Blog “Wow, a lot of really hard hitting articles and topics that are very well organized, a little bit like reading a book in pieces–good.” -Mary, 14.

Glenn Sacks “His stance is tough, but he seems to have a lot of different kinds of columns and resources about divorce!” - Nick, 19.

Darn Divorce “This is so funny, great comments and posts! I like her honesty.” -Marci, 17

Life After Divorce: New Horizons: “I like how there are really positive and uplifting articles on this blog!” -Marci

Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom:
This is a cute blog with lots of great stories.

5 Must-Tell Messages to Prepare the Kids for Your Divorce

The following article is written by Rosalind Sedacca a divorced mom who shares her experiences on: www.childcentereddivorce.com . Her experiences might be useful to others in a similar situation.

One of the most difficult conversations any parent will ever have is telling their children about their pending divorce. I know first-hand because many years ago I went through the experience. I fought and faced the overwhelming emotions. The deep gut-wrenching fear. The continuous anxiety. The incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame. My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, gentle soul who loved his father and mother dearly. He certainly did not deserve this.

I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever?

How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault? How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce?

And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out? I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.

Thankfully I found that plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered that we could not readily fix, and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce. In my upcoming book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. The interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. By sharing and repeating these five points to your children in the weeks and months following the initial conversation, you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing. Here are the five must-tell messages for your children:

1) This is not your fault. Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. It is not your fault that Mom and Dad disagree about your bedtime, where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework or whether you should play soccer. We are not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.

2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents. No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain. Mon and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one else will ever be your real Dad. We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.

3) This is about change, not about blame. Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change every year. Clothing styles and hair styles keep changing. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

The change in our family is not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Instead of worrying about who’s to blame, let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure — a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?

4) Things will work out okay. We’re often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things always have a way of working out, even when we’re scared that they won’t. Divorce will be the same way. Things will be new and different for a while. We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities … some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it’s all okay. I’m okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other. That is a lot better than okay. It’s great!

5) Mom and Dad will always love you. No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it. These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

* * * * Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the upcoming ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to preparing your children — with love! The book provides expert advice which helps you to create a unique personal family storybook that guides you through this difficult transition with optimum results. Rosalind can be reached at . For free articles on child-centered divorce and a free ezine, go to: www.chilcentereddivorce.com © Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.